8

I tend to get a little emotional this time every year since as it gets closer to the date. Do I feel bad...no, so why I get emotional, I have no clue. Do I wish it never happened? Sometimes. Was I simply looking out for self in the long run? Selfish? Of course. I often wonder where I would be and if I would deal with life differently than I already do. Would I be tougher than I already Am or would I have become more of a softy. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was working at a doctor's office at the time and was cool with a spanish woman named Mary. She’s been there way longer than I have and knew ways around things and the people that worked in the office. I spoke with her about feeling weird, nauseous, and over-all not myself. She worked her magic, spoke with a few nurses to stall and came back with what I needed. About 15 minutes later, a long 15 minutes at that, I seen the magical pink plus sign. I immediately went into “hell naw I’m not ready mode” and did what I knew was best in the long run. Even though it was my fault for getting in this situation, I took it as a learning experience.

A quick text letting the guy I was dating at the time know that I couldn’t do it and I needed half. Simple as that. He was a typical “nigga” with the typical nigga mentality and I was the girl who seen beyond that but realized when it wasn’t seen in himself, it was time to let go. I spoke to God about giving me a sign of who he really was or to prove that he was indeed NOT that guy but… I was wrong. Now I’m not saying that having the abortion was God’s sign but simply how dude handled my words and did not respect my decision. I broke down to him about our individual situations and how yes I had my own place and job but a child did not fit into the financial equation on either parts. Even just saying those simple words and him just focused on a “baby” and having a child, showed the immaturity I hoped to not have seen. I knew it would be a long road that wasn’t worth the struggle at that moment. I honestly never want that for myself or any woman to be a single mother doing everything for this little person on your own 24/7. Things happen but if I can control it or change that, I take advantage knowing it may not come around again. He was faaarrrr from ready and I was beyond stupid to go that route with that type of guy. I knew the consequences but just had to test the waters and see for myself. What a slap in the face. I then seen the mental of women in this position: you want to make it work, he wants a baby and you’re willing to give knowing he’s the wrong person but hoping to see change, you get pregnant, baby is born, you still keep faith in this person to be around after birth but quickly see your faults when baby comes home and all joy comes from family and friends. Not the person who helped with this creation. Thus becoming a single mother.

Literally a week later and a week before my birthday (21), I was on the chopping block. I guess I can be so candid about it now because it’s far from over and the strong emotional part of it was done as well. I remember going in and talking a mile a minute to the doctor while getting drugged while he told jokes to distract me. Before going there, they torture you by telling you how far along you are and the possible due date (6 weeks, October/ November). I guess just in case you change your mind, I don’t know. After it was over, I woke up very drowsy and heard the chatter of nurses around me and looking over to my right and seeing a girl I’ve known since middle school...crazy how small the world is at times. I remember walking out and seeing my first boyfriend there ready to take me home. He was my rock throughout the entire process of me finding out etc. He actually fronted the money to me due to the guy not wanting any parts and was paid the next pay check.

The week I had off after, I sulked, never cried but was just down and slept a lot. Mainly because of the physical pain. I didn’t even feel bad about losing him and if anything, it was good riddens. I felt like a loser for getting it done, having to miss money from work and having ever dealing with him for as long as I did. I was in school at the time, just turned 21 and couldn’t even enjoy it. Think that’s why I went out so much after that was over. It was my way of venting. I think I finally got this off my chest to prove to women that doing what’s best for YOU should always come first. I know they have the protests and the anti-abortion commercials but I was young and made a mistake that I felt couldn’t be fixed any other way. I felt I could have carried and have adoption as an option but would feel obligated to keep and get too attached. Should always start from the beginning by wearing condoms especially at the early twenty ages! This is when you have fun and enjoy life and not go through something so life changing. Take all necessary precautions to protect yourself physically, financially and emotionally. I see too many girls and women and girls that need women in their lives have babies for these guys while they skip on responsibility and ease on down the road to the next girl willing to play dumb. She may not play at all and just need guidance in the right direction of the man she needs in her life instead of the one she wants. I can honestly say though sometimes the girl/woman who looks the most put together and seems to have everything figured out, always fails in a certain area in life. She’s human. I’m human.

*The significance of even the smallest things to some could mean so much more to the next person. The number 8 does that for me. This would be his/her year to celebrate that with me.*

Financial Inabilities

In order to live and live how you want to, you need a job. While it’s great to have a job, you need a job that’s paying well or at least good enough with benefits. When it then pays good enough, you can live how you want and dreamed of. Right? That’s basically how it goes and been going for years now. It’s not the 50’s and 60’s anymore where women play housewife and cook and clean all day while taking care of the kids. The men took care of the financial part along with driving the family around when needed. These days, how I once was, women are doing it for themselves to the point where having a roommate, school, working 2 jobs, and being single is the norm. All of this to have their own and claim their independence from our counterparts: the man.

You then have the women, like myself now, who live with their partners and still have their independence, school, and possibly working two jobs to make ends meet. Of course you have the man in your life and could probably go to him when needed but come on women we all know when things get tough, somebody wants to fall back or can’t handle it...usually it’s him. Not all men but there are quite a few. Us women are tough and do what needs to be done, daily. The men today still wants you to pull your weight regardless! Now I’m not saying that women who work hard are looking for a “free ride” to make up for the lack of sleep but when help is needed, the Jordan’s, Polo’s, going out every weekend, and some extracurricular activities have to be put on hold to take care of home. I guess they forget you like to go out and have fun also! Let loose, forget about your money problems and finally have a clear head. So that's hard for the person who can't do it or has to on someone elses dime. Outside of my immediate family, I have a plethora of aunts and uncles who take care of business. I’ve watched them and even till this day, let their women (my aunts) stay home and do whatever or my aunts getting off work the same time as the men or later. However she utilized her time when the kids were grown and left was her business. He didn’t care as long as he was able to play the part he wanted in her life, the man.

Back to the Polo’s and Jordan’s. Men these days are much more caught up in looking good then us women! It’s not a problem when the money is right but when it’s tough or your partner is having a hard time, they don’t know how to compromise. They know self, me and I. And sorry to say but most men tend to stay home longer before getting that first place. They know nothing about stress, feeling useless, doubtful, or powerless. Women being emotional, we tend to feel 10 different emotions in one day depending on what we’re going through. With many, they have the audacity to make you feel as if you’ve never done ANYTHING before reaching your low moment without realizing the damage being done. Only because they see how they were used to living has to take a “pay cut”. When you’re a partner, you have to learn to put things on back burner until further notice especially when it’s materialistic or not a priority. For example, when living on my own with just roommates, hair and nails stopped until I was caught on bills and rent was paid, DVD’s were brought out and bought and cable turned off, places where I bought my seasonal items from became cheaper and I reached out to people who had food stamps to not worry about food expenses. You make it work. So in my opinion, when a man gets “stupid” over bills or anything with money when you’re tight but trying, red flag alert. That’s the person you should appreciate the most in my opinion because they have nothing and still give what they can from their situation. Nobody is perfect and things happen.

I know women going through this at the moment but not many men. I’ve actually spoke with an old co-worker one evening on the train about his situation and me actually hearing it from a man gave a different perspective. He was ready to put her out, was sick of her sitting around all day, tired of being the breadwinner, and didn’t feel the need to take care of a “grown woman”. All I could say was damn. How do you know she’s just sitting around all day? And did you also think she may be tired of you being the breadwinner as well? I felt bad for him and also for her. Him because I understand the stress it puts on someone when going from splitting everything to it being done all on your own. It’s like carrying a feather to then carrying a 50lb weight everyday on both shoulders. Her because it sucks having to depend on anybody for damn near everything that you need on a daily basis. It’s nothing like having your own money so to go from working everyday or whatever to not at all is the worst feeling in the world. It makes you feel like a failure, your credit is getting tore up, interest is getting higher, debt collection calls are the norm and debating with your phone company to even receive calls for an interview is a weekly thing. Trust, if your a regular non-famous individual, we have ALL been there.

So how do you avoid having to deal with this? To not ever move in with a man!! LOL just kidding but you definitely have to learn patience, prayer and understanding. If we understand each other’s perspectives and actually learn our partners inside and out, then you should be fine. You want to be comforted and loved by your partner not criticized about what you can't do. Nobody wants to feel that low blow. I feel people and life in general are not that difficult so why do we make it so hard? It’s already hard enough on a day to day basis as is so having a sense of humor helps get through anything in my opinion. Looking at the brighter side of things can make your day feel like a sunny spring morning in April...and that’s a great feeling. I know it’s hard so when that financial conversation or argument comes up and after all is said and done, pray, let go and let GOD. If all else fails, better your situation the best way you can and move on.

Until next time;)

Oh Naturale

We have seen women with natural hair for years now... so I’m confused about the reactions of some. I remember when I decided on no longer perming my hair. It was about 4 years ago and figured since I wore my hair like a natural, how about actually trying it. I would do curly rodded hair, pumps, braid- outs, and bantu knots. So when I became natural, I realized the styles looked much better and my hair was healthier! I never thought in a million years that I would walk outside with a fro lol. When nothing is done with my hair, I usually walk the dog like this or when I’m about to have wash day. Which is an all day, off work process but it’s worth it.

I’m still working on finding hair products that work for me...yes, after 3 years and some change and this is what it has come to...still. I love Coconut Oil from Traders Joes or health food market(makes the hair manageable and smells awesome), Grape Seed Oil, Olive Oil, Cantu Curling Cream (for twist or braid- outs), Eden Deep Conditioner and Eden Coconut Cream for hair and scalp( which I love!), and either Cantu or As I am co-wash. Both good products so it depends on where I Am and the price honestly. I try to deep condition my hair every week when not braided with or without washing or co-washing my hair.

 

My biggest concern sometimes is going to an interview with my natural hair! Knowing that people in the professional field are weird about it. I can do an up-do, a flat twist out or straight blow out and do french braids but I still feel the eyes. You know the places that have predominately caucasian employees and my guess is their thinking “how the hell is she going to fit in here if offered a position?”. Maybe that’s just my insecurity but I honestly don’t think I am my hair and shouldn’t have to change who I am for anybody, including white america. I have seen time and time again black natural women straightening their hair or wearing weave to “fit in” at the office. That they were tired of getting the looks and questions about their hair and decided to eliminate this. Me personally, I feel communication is key. I have no problem politely telling my fellow employee to mind their business. I don’t question you about hair “extensions”, different shades of blonde, washing your hair every single morning or not and it smelling like the chihuahua you have at home, or the constant shedding that occurs all day with every flip you do. So please, don’t cross that line.     

   

Anywho, I feel judged by that after already being African American and female. In many cities like DC, most areas in the south and here in Philly, it’s pretty obvious that natural is in but most other black women aren’t with it unless “bestie” or her favorite sibling decided she wants to go natural. Then here comes the hashtags, pics and natural posts they never even thought of posting before or that I’ve never seen at least. That just goes back to black women not supporting one another because you’re going to support friends and family regardless. It’s the blacks outside of family and friends that you turn a blind eye too and don’t support. For example, Even in the workplace when becky or samantha has questions for fatima who wears straight weave or lace fronts about how sharon wears her hair as a natural, 9 times out of 10, fatima’s response will not be a mature one. It’s already bad enough we go through “texture discrimination” for some having “nappier” hair and darker complexions than others.

So, how do you just ignore the comments and looks? Let it be a breeze and float on. Period. My natural hair is most likely healthier, I have my edges, and I save hella money by being able to use product I already have in my kitchen cabinet. I love the consistency and the versatility of my hair. A blow out, flexi rod, bantu knots and flat twist is well worth the tussle with your hair on any given day. It’s so pretty especially when colored and ends are clipped when necessary. So, to the naturals who love their hair from wash day to locs to braids to dreads to a fro to a mohawk (my fav), continue to do you boo! Love the 4b, 4c, 3a, 3b hair type you have and don’t let anyone else tell you different!

     

No Sex Zone

Men use not getting any as an excuse to stray. We’ve all been there before, heard the excuses as to why, it meaning nothing, she meant nothing, and that you haven’t been giving it up. But if that’s the case, then why do it meant nothing? Don’t lie, just say you were horny and you weren’t satisfied. But I guess it’s because they can. Welp, how I see it and how many women see it, if you were doing what you were supposed to and made her feel like priority number one...maybe you would get it at least twice a week compared to not at all. Women worry and a lot of things can be mind consuming and if we are in that frame of mind (work, kids, maintaining a household, bills, etc.) then your not doing what you should to help take that load off... so you can take that load off. That’s a woman’s way of letting you know something is wrong. Helloooo! How many times do we have to say this! Women don’t go out and cheat because they want you to notice that there is an issue and attempt to resolve it with them...as a couple. Of course after awhile, I know many that just give up and say “fuck it, I know somebody that can and will give what you won’t because I’m not asking for much”. They usually do and are better off.

Funny how men respond to that quicker than an actual conversation that won’t lead to an argument! You know how it goes: she’s expressing how she felt about the other night at dinner during a double date with the comments that were made, he doesn’t agree that it was anything bad because it was the truth, she calls him an asshole, and from there the voices go up an octave and now the neighbors know your business. In my opinion, if you’re consistent and meet her halfway, then she will give you the world. A woman will not do that just to keep you around, you have to meet her halfway, period. Our intuition kicks in and that’s it! The thoughts we have, reached finality, we begin visualizing ourselves living without you, take workshop classes to do things around the house ourselves, ask another man to help out if not, ask girlfriends and female cousins about a “friend” to keep her busy until whenever and in our minds, we are single and may be ready to mingle. The motto: fuck em.

It’s just hilarious though to watch them suffer or hear the stories about it. Walking around with a t-shirt and panties on, sleeping naked, hair, manicure and pedicure on point and he can’t even touch you! Lol. We know what we’re doing too and could care less about his erection or arousal. Oh and he better not dare give you a compliment! That starts a whole new conversation/argument. “You can say something about my hair and nails but nothing about the argument we had the other night? Considering you have yet to apologize, fuck you and your compliment. How about that and have a great night buddy”. That’s when we get petty and call the bff and run everything down to her, have the man of your dreams as a screensaver on your phone, text messages laying in the bed on your side so he thinks your texting another guy or wearing the super sexy high heel to work knowing damn well you usually wear flats or at least just 3 inches. Hey, a lesson must be learned for it not too happen again.

Men don’t realize that sex is not everything to us and have to learn to respect it. I understand there are women out here who could care less about a wife, let alone a fiance’ or girlfriend! She’s just looking out for her needs and if your man just so happens to fit that at that moment, she will use her body to make sure he stays. And men are super dumb to even think she really gives a damn about him. I hear sooo many conversations where women just want to be rescued. Whether it be financially, emotionally or physically, she is on a mission to make sure that happens. That’s why you see many women in their 40’s and 50’s divorcing their men of 20 and 30 something years with children for the girl on a mission, not woman. I say “girl” because any woman in her right mind know that karma is a motha and he will do the same to you (not to say that women who are independent with business’ or careers don’t do it, if anything they’re the main ones sometimes)They always say “he won’t, I’m nothing like his wife or girl from what he tells me”....yeah, what HE tells you dummy. He found a problem with her, he will find one with you. Sad but that’s the reality we live in today and always been that way. I just keep on praying about that one.

Anywho, I said all of that to say that yes, sex in any relationship is important but it’s not everything! A woman will shut down if she feels her partner is not all in and ready to commit. People get so caught up in the physical appearance of the opposite sex that they forget to look completely at their own partner, inside and out. Like they want to keep searching for something better instead of appreciating what they already have. ALL women have their own curves, appetite for life/living, goals, aspirations and last but not least, the man they want to share this with. Clearly if she’s with you, then it’s because she wants to be. So get to the bottom of what’s bothering your partner, what’s bothering you and see what yall can do to help the situation. They have all kinds of videos, classes, and therapist (lol) to get through any issue if you really want this person in your life but come across differences. A man, these days, will give up too often and too quickly on the woman he loves without much effort or a second thought. Even if he stays in the relationship and especially now that summer has arrived and the ladies are wearing less and less. To me it’s crazy how they can do that but party every weekend with the homies not thinking about the liver, smoke everyday not thinking about the lungs and run up in anything with the right complexion and booty size not thinking about std’s or anything that can be caught with just skin to skin contact... but suddenly won’t give 2 craps about the woman in their life whom they love so much. Interesting right?

To making life work for self and looking within.

That "Habit" of a woman

Women have a habit of being weak in certain areas and aspects of their life. Even the strongest woman has her weaknesses and downfalls. The number one and two reasons being their child/children and a man. Family is always important and God is always important but for some reason, many women bow down to their children and a man (husband, fiance’ or spouse) above all else. It usually starts with looks and then how he makes you feel. They will then put families to the back burner and will “squeeze” in friends when they feel like it. Amazing isn’t it? Most of the time it’s not even the sex, it’s just having someone there in your corner that you feel or know is better than any other man you have ran into in the past. It may be a new experience for you and you won’t want to let go. I feel men see this, take it and run with it. They will run you into the ground if you let them and will move on and not care about your feelings in the long run. So then all of the family and friends you pushed away for this person no longer care for the dramatics of your relationship and will turn a blind eye to it. Why? Because of you.

Many men get comfortable and I have numerous of stories from the women in my life, old and young, in the dealings with the “man pretender” is what I call them. He may exude certain material or physical things to the eye that make him a man without knowing him but let time go by and you could be surprised of the person he really is. My favorite story I’ve heard thus far in my life is the friend living with her man pretender. He, to me, was a mommas boy in disguise. He spent more time there than anywhere else. How would I know you ask? Because I was at their house more than he was. She was telling me from the beginning how communication was something he was not good at so I’m guessing he felt talking to his mom was better. Or somebody else. Fast forward to last year, he took himself to the hospital one evening. He just recently got promoted to a senior management position at his company. He was already a manager before then but decided he wanted more money I guess. So he applied, interviewed in a different department and got the job. There was already enough stress with the previous position that he would bring home to her. Not his friends, family or co-workers, her.

Of course with that being my friend, it pissed me off but I can only say but so much and do nothing. It’s her life and I let her vent and handle the situation how she see fit. Anyway, after coming back from the hospital, he decided to communicate...yes, communicate about what was going on with him. It was then that he told her it was stress and he felt he needed to eliminate some of it from his life. He meant her. I felt bad. She never cried to me but I know she had to at some point. Every time I spoke with her, she was always out getting something they needed for the house or dog. Whether it was a rug, food, new dishes, bathroom items or cleaning stuff, she cared about the roof over their head and wanted nothing more than to make sure they had what was needed. He allowed her stay there until she got on her feet and was able to get her own or find a roommate. He could care less about where she went because he was solely thinking of himself. Not looking at what he has done to her in any way. But why would he when he constantly played victim? He never listened to her and did what he wanted, his friends were more important, his family always had needs and between those things, he never made time for home. Considering she was working herself, she cleaned, cooked, took care of the dog and when asked when he was going to help, he had every excuse in the world. Work was more important and I guess because he worked, he was tired...but wouldn’t she be as well? Even after all of that, she was willing to stay and work it out.

She grew tired of his excuses, the laziness, everybody else getting the attention she wanted, feeling worthless, small, like she wasn’t good enough and physically tired from playing Martha Stewart once she got home from work. She worked like a dog and I can barely reach her most times. Her motivation though for finally leaving was sad once we sat down and talked after it was all done. It was to the point of them going to pick up food from places and not sitting down to eat but would hear him tell stories of when him and his friends have. She told me while she was still living there that he treated her worse than when they were together. Knowing she needed to save money to leave, he pestered her and bugged her about money for a bill. Considering he made way more than her, knew where she worked and how often, and simply forgetting the fact he told her to leave without warning. That’s never been a man in my book. He talked to her like she was dirt and treated her as such as well. The arguing had gotten worse, he would do all kinds of things to be smart towards her, he began dealing with someone else, and for some reason they still slept in the same bed. Well from what I know it was her bed.

I asked her why she wouldn’t just leave and try to stay with someone until she gets on her feet? She tried but nobody had the room for her and paying for storage every month until she moved was a bit much. She would go for a ride to parks, coffee shops or friends house’s once she got off work to eliminate the amount of time she spent there. To ease tension. Guess that’s why I didn’t hear from her as much. In moments like that, being alone, a long walk somewhere and liquor are the best remedies. She’s married now and I couldn’t be happier for her. It’s now hilarious how often he reaches out, tells her about his relationship, showing off in a way but really it’s to let her know he’s changed. Basically saying how he does better as a man and wants to share that with her. It’s too late. She’s just being the bigger person about everything and letting him know that she’s happier without him. In his mind, he never thought she would move on after moving out let alone get married. I actually liked them as a couple but you never know what goes on behind closed doors.

This "habit" most have is an on-going daily thing. Most women love so hard that they will take being treated like dirt to keep this person around and fear being lonely. Stupidity, to a certain extent, yes but love, or the lack thereof, is the most powerful thing there is. But I honestly feel they forget there are plenty of men in this world who will do much better as the man in their life. Instead of thinking like that, they hold onto someone who doesn’t like them, cares less about their well-being and once tired of them, will throw them away like trash. No concerns for her feelings or self-esteem. They don't want to put in the work a relationship takes and feel the woman should do everything in her power to keep him happy and not the other way around. Many men are the reason women are who they are and it starts with our fathers figures. You can’t pick who your fathers are but you can pick the man you want in your life. Choose wisely.

The MAN in him vs. The WOMAN in us

“He would get up in the morning, make my coffee, (he knew I loved coffee) clean, wash clothes and walk the dogs all before starting his day. The only thing he would want me to do is make breakfast. He was a man and I was always good with him no matter what we went through"

 

     

Ladies, think back...has this person ever existed in your life? Has any man ever made you feel secure enough to even utter those words to friends and family? Bragging, no but it would certainly feel good knowing what you were going home to. I have wrote before that women can’t raise a man but I guess that was only for a chosen few. The man above was raised by a woman of a different caliber. The woman you don’t see anymore. She taught him well, led by example of what he should look for in a woman before letting him go on his own. He didn’t have his real father there but his step-father did a pretty good job at showing him how to provide for your family and household. Not to beat on your chest because you pay a bill, holler and shout because things don’t go your way, you know how the men born in the 80’s do… It’s rare while on the phone with girlfriends that they utter the good, fun and exciting things about their man. Yes, at one point I was one. Us women sometimes have the tendency to get “comfortable” and “expect” our men to do all of the above. So when you think about it, have you actually brought this “man” out of him?

Playing the maid while he relaxes

    

A lot of women also baby their men and don’t allow him to show this side! So when she gets sick of being super-woman, she complains and nags about what he's not doing. She cooks, cleans, wash clothing, the car, remaining loyal and faithful and just an all around good person...but he does the opposite and she kisses his feet with a high five and a job well done? You have now made it OKAY for you not to be treated with the respect you deserve as a woman. Until she gets tired and all hell breaks loose! But It's like we don't allow them to show what they can bring to the table and instead “telling” them right off the bat what we want, how and when. I think with us women, it's innately in us to communicate and not know when to shut up. Always wanting to take control and not allow the man to be a man. Hey I've done that before so I will take the L on behalf of all women guilty of this.

                     

When my sister told me this it had me thinking that MAYBE a lot of men were not so bad and women make it way more complicated than it really has to be... We are indeed complicated creatures.

"Girl"friend

I know at some point you have dealt with this woman. She may still call, reach out on social media, email, come by his family's home or even his home just to say “hello”. Depending on the type of woman you are, things can either stay good in this situation or in most cases, go left, real quick. It comes a time during the dealings with someone that you have to set boundaries. I honestly feel that it doesn’t matter how long they have been friends before our relationship, how close the family’s are or if the two are like brother and sister, if he’s in a relationship, fall back. Like all the way back.

Any man I have dated, if they had female friends before I came along, I have to respect that and let it be unless the two have been intimate in the past. You have some women that feel, “well he’s my homey and has been for the past 30 years, no woman he has ever dated got in the way of our friendship”. Welp, you just met her. Is it over-bearing? Jealousy of their friendship? Controlling? None of the above. I just want it to be known that ya’ll can keep the friendship, just respect our relationship. Period. Women tend to overstep their boundaries and get in their guy friends business and they play the big sister, big brother, little sister role. Come to his home and get comfortable because she’s been doing it for years, throw parties at his home when he’s out of town and has a key, cook for him, take him out to eat or stay on the phone with him to complain about her “men” problems and looking for advice. All of that in my book is unacceptable. What are yall in a relationship? Taking a break to see where you guys stand or something? I’m confused. Sad thing is most men see nothing wrong with that and feel she’s just being nice or we just cool. Just cool my entire ass! There is no way a friend of mine will have a key to my home especially if my mother doesn’t even have a key or it will be just my mother. Nobody will be in home while I’m away and staying on the phone at any time in any way is not cool when you’re with someone. That looks suspicious.

It even gets to the point of you having to check her and now it’s the friend versus the girlfriend situation. That’s when you let his ass go. As the woman in someone life, outside of the mother, grandmother and sister relationship, mine is definitely on the list of some importance, not a friend because you guys have been cool forever. I would have nothing to do with that and she needs to know her place at all times. If we live together, I Am the woman of the household and will be respected in all scenarios. Lets just say I’m Martin and can be Malcolm: “non- violent, non- violent….”but by any means necessary”. Lets keep it cute. Not to say to beat the girl up but if putting her in her place does not work, then you take another route after being a lady/grown woman about it.

Now there is that point where you will be JEALOUS! She knows him, everything. And not to mention always having that feeling that something happened between the two in the past but of course it will never be spoken of in your presence. Woman’s intuition. So that’s what really pisses you off about this person. Anyway, she knows his family and knew them before you did, his friends before you, his dreams, life goals, the foods he likes, what his favorite sport is, color or what his first car was. Petty? Maybe but just like the men in situations like this, we get jealous and maybe even envious as well. Their friendship has already been bonded before you came along and now you’re just the girlfriend who’s over-reacting to something that won’t change even after you came along… What women fail to realize in this case is that you have to accept what you can’t change and if it’s too much, then you can either change how you view the situation or step out of the situation and save yourself the back and forth of something that probably never happened in the past between the two. BUT she should still know her place first and foremost and know she’s no longer “that number girl” that he goes to outside of his female family members to express himself and talk about what's going on in his life. She will learn to make room eventually.

Black & white or men & women?

           The way we live is different, what we eat is different, and the attitudes we carry are different. Its not a surprise that the way we handle relationships are different. Statistically, black women are the race that are least likely to be married and have a family. We often have kids before committing seriously to someone therefore making it okay to be a baby mother and drag on the title girlfriend forever. Is it us or the men?
            I see soo many white men and women my age who share a mortgage, a child or two and are genuinely happy. Of course with the usual relationship/partner problems. So why can't my race get it together?? In my opinion it's the way the we are raised, the neighborhoods we come from (environment) and homes we come from. The men are taught to not seek anything serious, have fun, and "sow your oats" beforehand to get it out of your system before settling down with someone.  While doing so, they have relations or relationships where they drag them along, feed them dreams of the things they wish for and impregnate without a second thought because "it" feels too good to use protection. The women allow it.
            Women constantly hear the convos from girlfriends or family on the amount of time you 2 have been together and automatically assume you should give him a child. Why not right? Financially your not where you want to be, you have an apartment not your ideal home, and don't have the career just yet that your working towards. But yeah, throw a baby into the mix and you will live happily ever after. Their examples are their mothers, since fathers being absent are the norm, which takes me back to black women not being married or staying married. It starts somewhere. Fathers are at a minimum and the confidantes are their friends whom are most likely in the same boat.
             The women see their mothers being single parents and most see it as independence and that it's okay to raise a human being alone. They may see their mothers being submissive to a man, giving him everything to keep him around but receiving nothing in return. And it's okay with them. Some women even tell their daughters that's how you get and keep him around. To play the role of house wife without a ring or serious commitment from this man, and it's okay. It has to stop somewhere. One thing I can say is most white women generally keep their men or is it the man keeping them? There's no gray areas, it's either or. Either women do the above for a man with no committing or she lacks somewhere because she knows she deserves more and she's single. Most white women I know or see are single or have the latter...the home, husband, kid (s), and careers. So which do you think it is, black culture or just men and women in general? I could be wrong though, just my opinion.

Steretyping in the work place

If you don’t have a career, you just have a job. Of course it’s not a bad thing but you work towards eventually having a career at some point in your life. You want to wake up ready to get the day started and have fun while doing so. Most people’s typical day at work: struggling to get out of bed, rushing to get dressed to make it on-time, get there on-time but praying “Lord pleassseee let today go by fast” before walking into the office/store, laughing at your managers corny jokes, doing what you’re told, conversing with fellow employees about life, looking forward to taking lunch before anything else, conversing some more and finally clocking out for the day. The happiest part of most people’s day honestly! Sad but true.

So let’s talk about my typical day at work in the lovely world of retail. I work at the Gap as a Lead Merchandiser, started out in Banana Republic as a sales associate and then to stock. Now that’s out the way. I had my fair share of assholes, stuck ups, bougie, and the ones who just care about a paycheck but nothing like what I experience at this location. Now around my way, I constantly see the girls/women wearing big bags, scarves on their heads and boots since it’s cold out. In the summer it’s just flip flops or some chucks or something light for the feet. So when I see women dressed as such coming into the store, I treat them no different than anybody else that walks in. Mind you the majority that shops at this location are white men and women from the King of Prussia or Plymouth Meeting areas. Nothing is said to them or about them over the walkie as they shop and take a million items into the fitting room and aren’t monitored. A black girl with the descriptions listed above walks in: “watch the girl with the big black/red/silver/blue bag walking around in womens adults, she looks fishy”. My issue with that is EVERY AFRICAN AMERICAN DOES NOT STEAL and especially from the Gap! Are you serious? If I’m going to get locked up for something, it’s going to be something that’s getting me a ton of money in my pockets for my kids kids to be cool….not from stealing ANYTHING from Gap. It pisses me off and working as a manager with mainly white women, it’s automatically going to look like a black and white thing and Lord knows I don’t need that bs while still working there.

Now a while ago, the GM comes to me and mentions that we have to start watching the Gap fit clothing due to about fifty something items gone missing. Now, I’m not saying my people don’t work out but damn if they are spending almost $70 on a pair of workout pants unless they have a credit card with the company. If we spend that amount, it’s somewhere where the material and name is worth that amount of money on any given day. It could be income tax time claiming 5 kids, a bonus from work or your man just wanted to treat you to something special, it’s NEVER that deep. We sweat in it and after 7 - 8 uses, it’s done anyway. Crazy. Anyway, white women are the ones who mainly buy the Gap fit clothing at full price not blacks. Grant it, I seen the black girls come in and steal kids items on camera, not so much adults though….there is mosty adult items being stolen on a daily basis. You mean to tell me that’s nothing but African Americans?? Really? FOH. What’s pissing me off is I have to work with these people. We (management) all keep our stuff in the office. That makes me think they may feel I could be the same way since I’m black and may carry a big bag sometimes depending on what I’m wearing. Not cool. It’s funny because they will come to me with a straight face and say “oh she just looked suspicious” after they see my face when saying some of the dumb shit they say about blacks shopping in the store.

There were a few customers who came to me about shopping at another location because they feel uneasy, were not helped, watched or followed a bit too much. I told them to do the survey and complain. And you know who’s mostly doing this...the GM. White woman in her 40’s or so who was probably raised in Plymouth Meeting and doesn’t know any better except from how we’re depicted on tv or on the news, you know, the usual bs. It’s to the point where these two black muslim women came in on the kids side and were looking around and I was asked, by her Miss GM, to watch them because they look “fishy”. How ignorant!! Does she not know that’s their religion? I wanted to say “bitch, you watch them! You getting on my nerves with the constant stupidity you display on a regular towards African Americans like they are the only ones in here stealing! If you paid the fuck attention to EVERYBODY and not just certain people, then you would know what race buys what items and the shit that goes missing most of the time. Fucking idiot.” BUT I still need a paycheck… to a certain extent, a bitch about to quit or get fired, whichever comes first at this point. Then there’s me, the black girl that just came in from another location, that doesn’t have a voice because she’s not in with the “work clique”, whos work and work ethic is constantly criticized about what could be done differently and with them failing to realize where they lack with my training, whom travels the furthest to be there and is looked at in a weird way when she’s not in the mood or displays attitude because she’s physically and mentally drained from a bullshit “job”.

So with that said, my typical day at work: FORCING myself to get up in the morning no matter the time, getting to work depending on traffic 5- 10 minutes before clocking in, rushing to grab coffee, going to the bathroom throughout the day checking indeed (lol), I may have shipment which needs to be opened by 9am after starting at about 6:30 am, watching the frowning faces of whatever manager is opening that day due to every box or item not being opened when they want it too, taking out boxes for trash with other associates, start giving jobs to the shipment team BUT that being stopped by another manager and them jumping in and telling the team what THEY want them to work on instead, go on break damn near running out the door without a coat on to rant to a listening ear about whatever just happened that morning, go back with an attitude towards management of course and buss it up with everybody else instead, say nothing on the walkie about clocking out and just clean up my mess, no convo at the door about future plans for the following day or about their kids or neighbors because I don’t give two shits. Home I go until the following day. Yup, sounds about right. Of course it wasn’t always like this. Feel free to email me about an opening somewhere😂😂 The search continues...

Mommy Dearest

“She felt I was too young for him and didn’t like me for whatever reason” - single mother with a sweet personality

“Honestly, I can’t put a finger on what the problem was with them” - cool college student with double major in Business

“Constantly minding our business” - married with 3 children & have been together since kids

“Her family wanted her to be someone within her race”- man working 2 jobs and taking care of home

“She felt I was too old for him” - single girl working 2 jobs

“She felt I wanted her husband even though I was with her son”

As a child, when you fell and got a boo boo or were teased by the little girl or boy that likes you at school that day, you would go home and tell a parent. Usually little girls their father and boys their mother. Into adulthood it’s the same scenario but just a tad different. There’s issues with work, a girlfriend or homey, roommate, or last but not least your relationship. You tend to gravitate towards your parents because they raised you, are older and wiser. Usually. But what happens when your the person of interest?

You do everything you should...be kind, considerate at cookouts, meet and greet the rest of the family and chit chat with the brother or sister(s) when you can. You know how to get in good graces to a certain extent since you feel you’ll be around for a little bit. That may even just be you as a person. Why not, right? With all of the scenarios listed above, you would think at some point that she would get the hint and just mind her damn business but oh no, she’s “mother” and “mother” knows best. If that’s the case, then how is it that these mothers are always single? Divorced a time or 2? And I realize they also lack on friendships outside of family. As a woman who has dealt with this twice and seen other woman go through it, that seems to always be the case.

So there’s my answer! They have nothing and no one else to rely on but their children and feel anything they go through and anyone they deal with, is always a concern of theirs. I personally feel if their child does not come to them or ask for help in any way with their relationships, it’s none of their concern. Let go and let the child live his/her life without butting in. I keep hearing that mothers want the “perfect” person for their child but my question is, if their dad was “so perfect” and they’re an expert on picking the perfect person for their children….why aren’t you with their father?? Or any man for that matter? Bye girl. Clearly they are the issue!

“I think there is someone out there that better suits you, that is not the girl for you”

“I don’t like her attitude”

“She’s too outspoken and strong-willed, you need someone more submissive”

The one thing that kills me is the gap wedged between a man’s mother and the mother of his child creating unnecessary tension and a child stuck in the middle. The child has no clue of what’s going on and loves each person unconditionally but eventually will see what’s going on. Nine times out of ten, his mother is most likely the problem. I know a lot of women who aren’t angels but don’t disrespect until disrespected, won’t show ignorance and will throw on their big girl panties and become single mothers before dealing with a man and his mother. It happens all the time and sometimes too often these days. It started with the same things listed above: they dated, she became a girlfriend, a child was brought into the picture and yet his mother still never respected the girlfriend, and he allowed it. Sometimes even if he doesn’t, mother knows best right. She feels she has the ability to be an accountant, therapist, chef, laundry attendant, housekeeper or dog walker. All just to be there and around to run a life besides her own.

When it comes to that mother and son relationship, that’s another level of bs that not even my enemy should deal with. Momma’s boy problems and they are quick to brush off that notion. Every woman at some point experiences this kind of man no matter the age or how long he hides it. If not, then you are very lucky and I give you a standing ovation! There are many mothers that feel that is the man in their life...weird, very. I understand he takes out the trash, helps her if she’s sick, clean the kitchen etc...you know the things he’s supposed to if he’s still living there in the house… Anyway, some of things I’ve dealt with. Date night turning into a selfish session of “woe is me” because someone made her mad or a grocery store run that’s all of a sudden a dire need. Speaking negatively about me to others to have everyone look at me like I’m the problem and she’s the victim. Supposedly I was disrespectful when I barely said anything to her for THAT reason alone or I had a nasty attitude. But hey what you give is what you get right? One thing I didn’t do was “bow down” to her. Yes you’re older than me and an adult...but so am I and if my own mother doesn’t speak to me or treat me a certain way, nobody else’s mother will. Period.

Back to what I was trying to say earlier. At some point you will begin to realize that your mother or even father is jeopardizing your relationships. Friends will then be the “go-to” which is not always a good thing because they are still in the learning process of life just like you. So what could you REALLY learn from them except maybe what not to do? Thus creating the circle of bullshit we deal with in relationships due to getting advice from people who can’t even fix their own problems. You need that wisdom from someone who has been there done that and can be real with you. Not necessarily telling you what you should be done. So with allll of that said, I wish everyone the best in situations like this going forward as it’s not an easy “problem” to have. Guess we have to be more careful to whom we become involved with and to whom we create bundles of joy!!

Green blues

I slowly realized this is the era for second jobs and low pay! You can be part time and get laid off! So many of us want to live this comfortable lifestyle that we can’t afford but always wanted to live. We show off on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter but the reality is nothing like what everyone sees. You get home everyday and Pray: for health, groceries, car payments or even bus fare. It’s a problem. People say alll day, well just save, get rid if what’s not important or ask for help. Welp, I hate asking people for anything and having to now owe them on top of everything else, it’s hard to save when you’re living paycheck to paycheck and can’t even save money for things you need and everything I have for the most part is important. Not memorable, materialistic things but things I need so getting rid of anything is out the question.

You go to sleep stressed, smear your makeup or stain your pillow, wake up relieved only to walk around the next day with the financial woes that follow. Trying to keep it in the back of your head but there is always something that needs to be paid for at some point during the month. People will always have something to say: at some point in life everyone goes through a financial hardship of some sort, this too shall pass or everything will work out for the better. Words of encouragement are awesome but that’s honestly the last thing I want to hear when I’m dealing with something so stressful. Thanks though. It’s hard knowing you can’t pull your weight with even simple things because money is already counted for. Christmas is cheap, birthdays are selfish and any other date that was once important in between is no longer relevant.

It’s hard out here and you’re blessed if you’re making $400 a week. Many jobs cut hours like you don’t have to rely on that paycheck to live and they will make you beg for hours for a job you probably had for years. You have to literally bust your ass and show them you want the hours for them to even give you 30 hours a week. I have a $60 phone! No Iphone, Galaxy nothing or the new such and such and I’m fine with that. Been there, done that and they all do the same thing. My goals are bigger than that at the moment. This is the generation of getting off work at 11pm from an 8 hour shift to be at the next job in the AM by 6 or 7 trying to keep up with bills and other people.

We just had Thanksgiving and I’m thankful for everything in my life right now. But it’s just ironic to me how you see people post on social media how thankful they are but are up 4am the next day shopping on Black Friday looking for more…? These same retail stores have the same deals ALL year long but we make a big deal about it on that specific day? Stupid. People don’t pay attention. I guess working in retail, I would know. Now if it’s a NEED, then okay but it’s mainly WANTS to show off for company when they come over or to brag about having this, that and the third. Another stupid action by my fellow peers and Americans. I honestly have not been out on Black Friday in 8 years, I’m good.

Hopefully everyone enjoyed their Thanksgiving and “Black Friday”!! Lol