Work Relationships...

We go to work everyday to make a living, extra income, new opportunities and learn a new skill. Along the way we meet new people, maybe experience seeing different cities, and learning how to work in a group setting on occasion. You then begin to realize, you see these people more than you see your own family or spouse! Sometimes it’s not always a good thing either lol. There’s always that one negative co-worker, the one who's too happy (not a bad thing but early in the a.m and being on 10 can be annoying), one who’s always having relationship troubles, the brown noser, the antisocial but always on the phone during the day texting or on a call during lunch breaks, and the parent who always discusses their children and their actions on a daily basis. Just to name a few. Then it goes to the outside of work activities.

It all starts in steps. Staying at work late with certain people all the time, to then getting drinks from the nearest pub, bar or lounge, then dinner dates, and then eventually to the homes we go. Cookouts, birthday parties for the kids, husbands watching the games together and maybe even double dating here and there. That to me is all good! By no means is there an issue with that. However, the issue I have and will not EVER do is meeting my spouse at work! I don’t know how the hell people do it! I want to be in my partner's world but to an extent. I want to know your working hard and doing your thing but I do not want to see it on a regular basis. I would get sick of the seeing this person to the point where I would feel going to our separate homes is space for us. Or if I’m mad at this person, have to see his ass allll day for 6-8 hours while I try to act as if he doesn’t exist lol. Petty moment number 1 and there’s plenty more where that came from!

The one thing that would really irritate me and I have heard of happening before is the flirting and dating other women in the office, professional setting, wherever you work. Um, no. You could get so caught up with someone that you might forget that even though there may be sex involved, they aren’t just yours! So you would have no choice but to hear stories of him dating other women from other people you work with, not him of course, and see it for yourself. At this point the choice is yours to figure out what you want to do but it’s definitely a hard decision to make when you’re feeling someone. That’s speaking from a typical woman's view. In my personal opinion, he can kick rocks and kiss every inch of my ass, as he has probably done already lol! But seriously, it’s a respect issue for me and if I’m not throwing other men in your face whether hearing it from me or not, then you shouldn’t. Sharing is not something grown people should do.

A girlfriend of mine went through the same thing. Now with her already being emotional, she let it go too far and got her feelings hurt. Now, I’m not being heartless but I feel you have to know who you are as a person before dealing with certain people. Period. If you know off hand from the beginning this person is full of shit and you fall easily, LEAVE THEM ALONE. It’s simple but people make life so complicated. Anyway, after he got what he wanted, he began acting differently and swerving her to no end. I felt bad at first but once she kept going on about it even after it was over, I got a little irritated. In my eyes it was done but she kept holding on and getting upset every chance she got from the thought of what he did. He didn’t care about her the way she did him and we seen it...she did not. Again, know who you are and what you want!

Back to work. I also feel when trying to get to know this person, you will hear most of it from co-workers running their mouths, most likely devaluing this person. So by the time you have a one on one, what wouldn’t you know? I guess what he looks like naked at this point lol. You would then have to worry about people being in ya’ll business if deciding to make it official. That’s annoying. Every little step he takes or whatever he does, they would be glad to tell you especially if it’s something concerning another woman. Petty moment number 2, aka will get somebody cussed out moment. So at this point, how do you really enjoy this kind of relationship? Yes, outside of work but what about at work? Of course keeping things professional and low-key is the key but people will know and I don’t know how much I would be able to take from the nosey co-workers with nothing to do. You know, the ones who have their own relationships, marriages, kids or anything else to worry about but they worry about you co-workers. So, yeah it’s safe to say...work relationships are the worst idea...in my opinion of course lol.

Until next time!

Dannie J.

Scared of Marriage

Me: Failure. Communication. Loss of interest. Compromise. There’s an ending (like a job). Consistency. Bored. Growing apart. Financial. Literal distance. Emotional distance. Time. Power struggles.

The way marriage was in the 60’s was beautiful. Not necessarily the roles they played (stay at home wife and working husband) but how love was sometimes all they had and they made it work. Divorce was not an option. You see and hear now how our aunts, uncles, grand-parents or parents have been married for years upon years and stuck it out through everything. She didn’t have to be barbie and dress a certain way to get and keep his attention and weddings were simple.

“I knew he was cheating, just didn’t know with who. His schedule became unexpected and he stayed out longer than usual after a while. With years behind us already in marriage, It was hard facing the truth. We were experiencing a rough time but felt talking, therapy, spending more time or remembering why we got married in the first place would help. I cared at first asking myself a million questions with the first being why? I got over it though. I then began to have my own affair. I would go to work, go to “his” home, wash and go home, sometimes beating your uncle there, to cook and help the kids with homework. Like nothing happened, just how he was able too. It became the normal daily thing to do. As long as home was taken care of on his part, I didn’t care what he did. I wasn’t going to stress over a man, husband and all.” - Auntie (this is not them in the pic, just an example)

As time goes on and I’m getting up there in age, I realized I’m probably the only woman scared of marriage! I would embrace it and not think about the negative but sometimes I feel like most men and how they feel! Of course you’re thinking if everything is good beforehand and there’s an understanding of what you both want/need, there shouldn’t be an issue right? This is true but that’s not always the case and I think I’m scared of things going wrong. Do I walk around like this...no but I’m a logical person and if nobody else can be real with me, I know I can. So I don’t sell myself the dream of marriage, I sell myself on the reality of marriage. They say it’s better to love than to not have loved at all...but that does not always mean you’re meant to marry that person... There will be arguments, disagreements, petty moments, and a dislike of something from the other at some point...but that’s a relationship. I’m more so concerned about the things that happen outside of those small things like losing trust, disrespect, money issues, or no longer keeping your partner on their toes...you know keeping things “new” and consistently being able to keep them happy….for the rest of your life. You would think people would have this down pact in the relationship but seems it gets harder with some. To keep interest for the rest of both persons lives, through sickness and health and until death do you part. That’s a lot of pressure!

I honestly feel that it’s like having a full time job because it takes WORK...outside of your full-time job, having a social life outside of them, making time for friends, family, then your own interests above all while trying not to be selfish. Somebody or something is going to come up short and depending on who you married, it may be you. People don’t treat it as such and afraid he may treat it as a part-time position. People view it as: I love this person, I see my life with this person and that’s it. Yes, as human beings, we make life more difficult than it really has to be but people are like onions and have many layers that you may not have seen. They don’t think about this person at their worst and really SEE if it’s worth it in the long run. I’m scared of not fully being accepted and this person just settling because of time. I’m scared of time spent being a distant memory, not being put first as his wife, work being more important than actually LIVING and having the guy who puts our relationship second or last to family or friends. You could worry about this before marriage but marriage is important and want my partner to know this as well. Not just to marry because it’s the “next step” or it’s been long enough so why not.  I also feel many women carry resentment into their marriage. Their partners took their time asking for this commitment from her and she felt it could have been sooner. Over-time people can change like the weather and it affects you as well if your with this person. There could be a job offer that’s great for him but you're not willing to leave your job, family, money and stability for HIS career. You both agreed 100% before marriage on everything listed above and that you want kids but you're willing to wait a few years after marriage and traveling a bit while he wants a child six months to a year afterwards. Things and people change!

You have many men after a while or before even asking that feel they would be missing something or freedom is “gone” for some reason…what? Smh. Your married, not going to prison lol. You’re spending the rest of your life with someone you love and care about, not going into an arranged marriage. Lastly, if that’s how you feel, just don’t ask her or anybody to marry you then… duh! As stated, just goes to show people make things more difficult than they really have to be. If your partner is going in with that attitude, you will go into the next situation with your guard up. No one wants to be that person. Love is supposed to make you open to new things, it’s supposed to feel good when new and even after. Not to be the person who’s closed off and guarded because of being that open in the past and failing. Many men have this thing where they feel this way (listed above) and will wait 7 plus years to ask/make that commitment. It’s like they’re bracing themselves for marriage with this person knowing they don’t want to lose them but not fully ready for the REST of their lives to deal with this person’s flaws. Women are more open to it. A glass of wine/mojito and girl talk cures everything sometimes lol. Just go in light hearted and happy!

All of those things and more could put a strain on the marriage and fill either you or your partner with regret, resentment, anger (angry black woman lol), sadness, confusion and feeling hopeless. Thus looking forward to moving on and living without them eventually. I honestly don’t think that’s something I ever want to deal with. You can’t help the change in someone over-time. It’s life, it happens and you can’t help certain things that happen in life but I feel things can be prevented...by not getting married lol!

Happy union’s to all!!!

To The Entrepreneur

Being your own boss and becoming a business owner is a dream for most people in the world! To manage the way you see fit especially if coming from a background of managers who didn’t know what they were doing, put their energy into their favorite employees, or creating the word asshole to be a new personality trait by definition alongside hard-working, determined, or motivated. You have the opportunity to treat people how they deserve to be treated, pay is fair and reasonable (you know they can actually live life), and you love the smiles people have with good personable customer service. Growing into something and maybe even global is the goal. You’re a hard worker and want the people who work for you to embody that same trait. What most don’t realize is it’s a trickle down effect. If your employees see you behave and treat people a certain way, they will do the same. There’s certain characteristics and a level of “humble” one should have. I’ve seen a lot of the opposite. You ever happen to be out shopping or just getting some air and go past small boutiques. You look inside and the employee at the register or desk is on the phone texting or talking and there is no one shopping… Bad for business!!! Now don’t get me wrong, I live for someone doing their own thing and trying to build their brand but it won’t happen while doing the things listed above. Period. You will not get my money either, sorry. When I walk into a store, no matter where it’s located, I feel I, the paying customer, should be greeted. And not just greeted because you feel you have too but because you are welcoming my business/money and a possible return and referral. Here in Philly, I know those who are from here are familiar with the Chestnut St. and South St. stores.

Yes, the demographics change but professionalism and being a good boss should not. As the boss of the boutique or franchise, you lead by example! So I don’t blame the employees when things look sloppy, I blame the Boss/CEO, Manager or Assistant Managers of the world for that behavior. Even if it’s a “problem employee” who won’t follow the rules and do what they want, I still blame you (boss). They should have been replaced after the first conversation. The thing that bothers me is becoming friends with your employees! Like who the hell made this a “law”??? I’ve been in too many boutiques from here, Baltimore, and New York to always hear the CEO and Store Manager are besties...why? There’s no way I’m hiring my best friend or family member to help me run my business or nor will I become friends with that person. Doing COMPANY things together is one thing but having dinner and drinks regularly outside of work is a no no for me. I’ve seen far too many who take advantage of being the bestie and have one of three problems: 1.) She really has no clue to what she is doing but because the boss trusts her or that’s her friend, she has that mentality of “I can run the business how I choose when she’s not here.” 2.) She then becomes friends with the employees and let them do whatever they want. Take off work for odd reasons, not acknowledging the clients when arriving to shop, or taking her side over a customer's side when there is conflict. 3.) Has favoritism and will pick and choose who she wants to work with when she works instead of which personality fits a specific time period for clients throughout the day. Alll bad for business traits that I see too often.

Now my personal experience is the same but a little different. It lasted for about a month before I realized that I was good. It was working for a Real Estate Company and since that’s what I’m trying to get into, I felt it was an awesome opportunity and good start. Why not right? I was going to be the Office Assistant/Administrative, it was a black owned business/company and not too far from my house...perfect and finally because Plymouth meeting and King of Prussia was a hike. Everything was cool except for the pay which was a bit odd for the position. I knew how much I was going to get paid but she stated there were bonuses involved so it would be like I was making more money. I wasn’t too concerned due to being more focused on the experience. First bad thing was not having a key to the building yet and getting a text stating the Office Coordinator aka the owner's mother, was going to be 20 minutes late….after me already standing out there for 10 minutes longer than I should have in the cold. When she pulled up, her excuse nonchalantly was she wanted to try and get her phone fixed because it was acting up…. I wanted to punch her in the forehead like excuse you!?? Smh. Then she (mother) was 50 years old speaking like a 20 year old around the way chick with the lip smacking, constantly touching her hair and looking at her nails as if they were going to change colors or something!  I was confused. I don’t know anybody who wants their mother speaking or acting like that! Bye lady. Anyway the agents were lazy and not bringing in any money meaning those so called bonuses were never going to happen due to that! No one said anything until after I took the position. There was no signage, sticker in the window, email or phone anywhere on the building...in a predominately white neighborhood with the people in the area walking in asking what we were. Basically trying to figure out what the hell 5 black people were doing in an unmarked building.

The owner: supposedly had another location in Atlanta but never spoke about it, would go to the office to pray in the morning before opening, rarely interacted with us unless there was a task in mind, would change softwares every week after getting used to the previous and her children would come in after school randomly throughout the week during business hours because they were locked out the house which was 10 minutes away. Oh and I guess because I quit, she has yet to pay me. The building was nowhere near finished inside so we were working in the middle of that whenever he came to fix or do anything. It was just an annoying experience and I vowed to not work for another “start-up” again. I honestly felt she was one of those companies that use people to get where they want to be financially. Like you help her build and make money but just put “Real Estate Company” as the title. She has yet paid another guy that worked there as well and he was fired due to not doing his job “correctly”. When in that case, he was there a whole 3 months before I was...if he wasn’t doing anything correctly, it was due to whomever taught him (the job being his first real estate job) and he should have been fired. To drag it out that long made no sense. This will all bite her in the ass though. The guy she fired was doing things that only a licensed individual should have been doing and he was not with license. She could lose her business and then owe myself and him the money she owes and then some. That has me wondering how can you be so religious but treat people in this way?? I know it happens but come on. Bad for business but you live and you learn and she will find out soon.

On that note, anybody that’s a boss should always get the knowledge needed before opening a business! Just having an idea and the money is not nearly the half! It’s something so simple yet business’ close everyday due to not making enough money because of the many reasons listed above. Especially if it’s advertised properly, a business people will need or benefit from and you’re the only one listed in a particular area...bring on the money!

To privately owned business’ doing better this year!!!

That Old Thang

We all have had that one person that made you crazy in a sense. Phone call for hours when not near them, you hear the phone ring or vibrate and you secretly wish it was them, all of your free time and conversation was this person. It made your girlfriends sick to their stomachs but you could care less! Lol. You were in love or lust or like or whatever and loved the feeling. It was like eating chocolate, sipping your favorite wine, or watching your favorite love/romantic movie that you knew all the words too. You have watched it a thousand times and would a thousand more because you liked it that much. It was like being in middle school or high school again. When you skipped homework to talk on the phone about nothing. Like going to school and seeing him in the hallway switching classes or first thing in the morning and it puts a smile on your face even when not a morning person lol. Ya’ll would fight, argue or disagree, not talk for a few days but then pick back up where you left off like nothing happened. When not speaking to this person, it’s frustrating because you long for his call. Then something goes wrong, you get older, more mature, your messed up about it, eventually move on...but then look back years later and think “what the f**k was I thinking?! That was him.

It was long distance for a period of time. We did the back and forth thing...wouldn’t say relationship but it worked for me. I wasn’t looking and he was doing “his thing” which was fine. He would come home to visit from time to time and it was either we seen each other or we didn’t. Before he moved out of state, we were together but I called it off. Women's intuition was telling me something wasn’t right and I went with it. I expressed this concern and it didn’t go well. He said if there was anymore I was looking for or if I wasn’t happy, go. So I went. Low and behold a few months after on the phone, he told me if he was going to be with anyone at that time, it was between myself and someone else... soooo where the hell she come from?? As a typical woman, my mind began to race! I was semi jealous, confused, hurt and had the overall feeling of not being enough. Yes, I called it off but something just didn’t feel right. I wasn’t the girl to “stress” over a dude but I was borderline there. I can’t recall asking any questions until a couple of years ago.

It was the typical catch up convo: how you been, how’s life, how’s the family, etc. So of course, that was the prime opportunity to ask the questions I’ve never asked. People are usually a bit more open and honest. He told me they were engaged, they have a daughter and moved out of state near DC somewhere together. When things didn’t work out, he moved back here, let her keep the house, bought another place of his own,  bought her a car and made sure she was good because she had his daughter. When we broke up, I can’t recall getting a phone call about anything in life lol! But he was in love and it showed through our conversation and I was happy was for him to have experienced that. I told him to make it work next time around and that getting back with her sounded like an awesome idea. He neglected the idea but I felt it needed to be said. I felt like he was trying to make his way back in the way he has done in the past. That was our thing for almost 4 years and it became the norm. We always knew either one would be there waiting until somebody was single...but it wasn’t that way this time. I could hear the disappointment in his voice but what did he expect? These guys want their cake and want to eat it too!

I used to think what it be like with him long-term... I would question if I was in love or not or if I just loved him at that time. It was clear I was not good enough for the name he had almost given someone else but I always felt God had someone else in mind for me and not to worry. It was hard to hear that but I’ve done my share of playing and he was a toy at some point. I treated him like a yoyo and put him in the box when I got tired of playing with him. He did the same though but I did it better. Women normally do. He admitted that at that time he regretted us ever getting to that point of no return but life goes on. I used to hear a song, watch a movie or go to a certain neighborhood and think of this person. Even the up and down and back and forth didn’t matter when it comes to the heart. I looked back and I began thinking that I’ve wasted my time! He wasn’t all that cute and he wasn’t what I would date anyway (neck roll)  lol. It wasn’t really about “looks” but I needed an excuse to rely on at that time due to my immaturity when dating. Of course it was a learning experience but you get sick of dating the guy in the “immature” phases of his life. That’s where he was when I was around anyway. I’m glad he moved on from it...so have I. Cheers to growth and maturity!

Cheater Cheater

It felt good. To be wanted, held, and looked at as if you were the most beautiful women in the world. To be wined and dined, treated like a queen and then the grand finale. At first you felt super uncomfortable and knew that karma was nothing to play with. He knew as well but went along with his inhibitions without a care for your feelings or the life you guys were building. He caressed your body and it brought you back to the present moment which was love but not the typical. He made you feel safe and like he could keep your heart out of harms way. You knew this was all in your mind because you were emotional and emotions in a women could be a bad or great thing depending on what was going on in her life at the moment.

You began to think why you were there in the first place. Was it strictly emotional or were you just sick of the blocked calls to your phone, him hiding the phone when walking into a room, the too much needed “alone time”, his boys being more important or just the lack of respect for the relationship as a whole? Either way, dude was making you feel like the biggest whore but you were on top of the world (literally lol) and he had a way of making those bad thoughts and feelings disappear. Why didn’t you just leave? Well your decision is to leave but wanted to get this out the way first, you know, as a way of making him feel like shit. You finding out about the “other woman” hurt to no end but felt like things could still work… Silly girl, once a cheater, always a cheater. He’s told you how he cheated in the past but reassured that it was the past and he was done. He wanted to “man up” and be in a mature relationship. So how was it this girl/women made him decide otherwise?

You weren’t one for competition but at that moment and on that day, you definitely had one up on him. This man was gorgeous inside and out. It wasn’t about how he was built, his complexion, the way he looked at you or how he treated you. It was more about how he made you feel, how he lived his life, how he embodied all around the kind of man he wanted to be and embraced the man he was in the present. Basically realizing he had flaws but working to be a better man. He came with minimal bullshit and secured his life so that himself or family didn’t want for anything. He was willing to give that to you as well...but you needed to drop the current situation. You weighed the pros and cons. Pros: no bullshit, respect, treated like a queen, have fun with him, be with a family man, career driven and all around awesome person. Cons: stay in the current situation, dealing with whatever issues the new guy brings, deal with trust issues with the current, share the current with other women, getting to know someone new all over again, being put last from the current and being unhappy. This was an easy decision hands down but he ultimately has your heart. This is a dangerous thing for a women with whom is not logical and thinks SOLELY with her heart. But that wasn’t being done at the time because you were enjoying the body of another man.

Waking up the next morning your decision is made: your going to stay and act as if nothing happened. You feel stupid for letting the “good guy” slip away but don’t actually let him slip away. You keep him around until he wants something different, then on to the next. You figured he will also have his bullshit with him that he just hasn’t shown yet and you weren’t willing to take that step...yet. So you decide to “stay” with your comfort zone. You know him and everything that comes with him and regardless of what you go through or deal with, you know for a fact that stepping out now won’t be an issue. Since you know his patterns, you work around those to do what you want to do and come home like nothing happened. He does it, so why shouldn’t you? He can stay out all night so why can’t you? He can have his alone time, funny ways, sleep with her, her and her, come home as if nothing happened...you can as well. Especially if you’re going to stay with him. You guys aren’t married and have no children so you figure, I’m going to rock out until the wheels fall off. You were sick of the double standard with men and felt that if a grown man can play and do dumb shit, as a grown woman with needs not being met, I can as well.

It’s stupid but when the person you want doesn’t want you wholeheartedly and not willing to do the work, it does something to most women and they began to have doubts about love and play, start to like it and play some more. They may love this person a lot but just like men say when cheating, it means nothing, it’s just sex, right?;)

A few "boundaries" in life

Boundaries have no limit of being crossed with certain individuals. They feel a certain kind of “initiative” and feel it’s okay to say and do as they please. Whether it’s family, coworker or friend, there are always boundaries that should never be crossed at all times. These are the ones I personally feel should be respected.

1. Your title, is your title...stay within that title...meaning stay in your lane. If your Mother or Father, don’t act like boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife. Most single parents have the tendency to treat their children as a relationship and not the appropriate one. As a girlfriend, fiance or wife, I don’t want another woman stepping on my toes when it comes to my relationship or household. Any major decisions should be made between the two in the relationship. Fathers aren’t too bad with their daughters but it will be known that they will get out of line if need be. Mothers on the other hand need some serious WORK in that department! You can’t play Mother, accountant, doctor, counselor or God all the time with a man in a relationship...especially when you have yours at home. If you raised him right, don’t worry.  Let his woman play some of that role. Trust, she’s not taking your place. #yourlane #mylane #theresadifference

2. Fellas, women sometimes have those moments where we don’t want to be so "sophisticated".We want to hang out with our girls, put a freakum dress on, throw on a tall heel, get drunk and let loose! Something to post to social networks, show off and look back on as we age like “girl we had so much fun that night”. Lol. This does not mean this is ME as an individual all the time or at all. I could be a banker during the week wearing business suits and rarely go anywhere on the weekends but from time to time, I gets loose! That does not mean that I’m a “loose” woman. This also does not mean to smack my butt, grab my hand and call me a bitch because I ignore you. A bad bitch, smut, cheeks, or whatever the hell else they’re saying to get a woman’s attention. Grown men, stop the dumb shit and have respect. #womenaresingleforareason
3. Women, even though she’s a friend of yours, you do not have the right to say that your girlfriends man or husband is fine, handsome, cute or whatever. Some have a nerve to go into details too like “he has pretty green eyes, nice lips, a pretty smile, nice physique, and complexion.” That’s me looking at you like why are you paying that much attention?? I expect that from a coworker who sees a picture and we aren’t friends to react in that manner but to constantly hear it from a friend knowing she will be around him at some point, is NOT cool. Keep your comments to self. Don’t even tell a mutual friend. Or matter of fact don’t look. #DLhoes

4. Keeping up with friends and making sure everything is okay is a great thing! But um when it’s about 11:30 to midnight, them conversations should be cut off. Single, fine...relationship, problem. Having a bff, there will always be problems they have even at midnight but if myself and my man are chilling and a friend of his calls...and he picks up then houston we have a problem. If you don’t have a flat tire, a way to get home, family issues (hospital) then how about we try again. To me it’s rude if done all the time intentionally because most people will just keep on talking. Being friends for so long, they're like family, by all means that's great! A couple will not always show what they really do around others and that could be "our time" to chill, catch up and cuddle and here you go with another issue. Most people know this person will pick up to see what’s wrong but if they say chillin with ___ then save the convo for the next day when we aren’t chillin. #singlefriendsbelike

5. A group of girlfriends is sometimes the best and worst thing to have. As stated before, they are not always the most upfront and began to get cliqued up. The boundaries with this one is the lack of communication with one another. One of the girls will always have the “go- to” within the group that she feels closest too instead of going to the problem itself. This is not a bad thing but if everybody is cool/friends and that’s how it’s always been, keep it that way. Talk it out as a whole and resolve whatever issues you ladies may have. Even if you’re not the woman with the issue, stating the issue you have with their actions or words is a start. If all else fails… #byebitch

6. When any woman is living with her man whether they are married or “shacking-up” as older people say, when I leave for the day or a few hours, every woman except mom or grandma must go also. Sorry, love ya sweetie but we are not THAT cool. Since high school I always heard about a girl’s best friend sleeping with her man or a man’s best friend sleeping with his woman. My big question is, seeing how people change like the weather, why do we trust someone that much? Is it time? I don’t know but there’s no way you are chilling in my home while my man is there and I’m out running errands! Don’t pop up either. Shoot a text, email, call, snap, marco polo, something to let me know your planning on dropping by. Some women get too comfortable with their “ friends” and men get too comfortable around her friends. You have a girls night and he walking around in his boxers or with his shirt off…get punched. #tripping

7. The pop up parent. Most have been there when living without a parent in the household. Sorry but it’s mainly fathers. They call on birthdays and even forget those or come by the house with excuses for days on why they haven’t been around. But for some reason feel the need to coach you about life? Really? Or this parent that only comes to birthday cookouts and graduations but brags about all the work you do and wants everybody to know they’re your mother or father. Hilarious right!? It’s even funnier when you reproduce and they’re around your children more than they were ever around you! Guess it’s making up for lost time and feeling bad about it... I look at it like this: their guessing it’s not their child, so of course a child is easier to be around when you can simply give them back to their mother or father and not feel guilty about it. #daddywho? #mommaplease

8. So we’ve all been to cookouts or barbecues, same difference, and there’s always that one person that brings that friend with that “bad attitude”. You know, the girl that’s dressed up, heels, tight jeans, make-up, etc and her attitude is shitty because she’s not getting the attention she wants?? Yeah, her. Steady trying to be cute that she’s missing out and actually not enjoying herself nor the moment. She sits there by herself taking selfies, no conversation, or on a phone call the whole time talking about nothing and you wonder why she came or stayed in the first place. Then has a nerve to want to charge her phone when it dies… girl. She quickly forgets she's at someones home and forgot to check her attitude at the door. #rosesreallysmelllike...

9. We all have those friends who do not, with any doubt in mind, curse around their children, drink or smoke. For some reason, this other friend they have decides she wants to do all of the above and could care less. She feels they will hear it one day so her doing shouldn’t make a difference because it’s coming from her… it does boo. This person could have been your ace growing up so of course you're not going to stop being friends with her/him but they tend to not say much either. I’ve been in a situation like this before, spoke on it in front of the friend and she felt some kind of way...was I wrong? I know it wasn’t MY place but clearly common sense is not so common. My thing is if you don’t see me act or say certain things around my children, neither should you. Period. Just out of respect for me as your friend first and foremost and then for my personal parenting towards my children. #ignorance

10. So at some point in life, if you don’t have family that you're close with, you go to friends. Of course if things get rough financially, you have to sell your home (God forbid) to down grade or can’t keep up with the rent, lose your job, you go to them as well. Stuff happens and we all need somebody to lean on in tough times. You are now the friend staying on the couch or guest bedroom until you can get on your feet. Nothing wrong with that, you have a roof over your head! Everybody has a certain way they live, keep their home, cleaning schedules, etc. For some reason, since this is your friend, you decide you want to live like it’s your own and not follow this person’s rules. You want to smoke inside because it’s cold, company until 3am, decide not to clean up after yourself, bring men/women all hours of the night of whom they don’t know and have a habit of leaving the tv and lights on all night for a bill you don’t pay. Then get angry because you get a 2 week notice of yo ass getting out!? You tried it homeless! It does not take much to RESPECT someone’s home and how they want to live, whether you like it or not. #respectornexthouseyougo

11. Having a nosey parent, aunt or grandmother... is the worst thing in the world! As they began to approach those “old ages”, they become catty and they sit on the porch or phone all day discussing the neighbors business or who sleeping with who at church. The boundary with this, they then began to run your business down as well! Lady, you tried it. Don’t come over for Sunday dinner thinking sweet old auntie or your grandmother is a great listener or gives the best advice...that heffa telling all your business. Deacon John, Suzanne the neighbor, Lisa from her sewing class, Jessica at the shoe store or the cab driver taking her from her doctor’s appointment! Everything from your kids, your neighbors, your husband and his cheating ways and the reason you stayed at her house for a week. They even get in your pockets too! How much you make, where you work, and what your house look like. You know, the things YOU yourself won’t tell anybody...I don’t know what it is or why but they have to be stopped lol. These old women are good at giving you the tea and you sipping it, not realizing she could be telling your business to everybody she come in contact with just for conversation. #Idontwanttobeoldlikethat

12. One should NEVER kick somebody while they are down! Crazy because this usually comes from a family member or friend, someone close. I hate to see someone struggling and going through the motions of whatever they’re going through. I Am a strong believer in karma and what goes around, comes around so why do people do stuff like this? I feel it’s insecurity in themselves. They get on this high horse because they’re making the money they want and maybe have the job/career they want but see you aren’t doing the same or having a hard time and they judge you. I feel it’s a void within, something they are missing and they take it out on the person already vulnerable. Quickly forgetting, that where they are can be taken away with the snap of a finger and can be struggling just like you soon after. #humbleyourself

Yes, it’s a lot but I just feel these are things people should NOT do and it happens all the time. I’m definitely at that point, and have been for awhile, where I actually think before acting or reacting. The main thing I keep in mind is good old karma. I never want to treat someone a certain way and when I’m comfortable, it comes back.

8

I tend to get a little emotional this time every year since as it gets closer to the date. Do I feel bad...no, so why I get emotional, I have no clue. Do I wish it never happened? Sometimes. Was I simply looking out for self in the long run? Selfish? Of course. I often wonder where I would be and if I would deal with life differently than I already do. Would I be tougher than I already Am or would I have become more of a softy. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was working at a doctor's office at the time and was cool with a spanish woman named Mary. She’s been there way longer than I have and knew ways around things and the people that worked in the office. I spoke with her about feeling weird, nauseous, and over-all not myself. She worked her magic, spoke with a few nurses to stall and came back with what I needed. About 15 minutes later, a long 15 minutes at that, I seen the magical pink plus sign. I immediately went into “hell naw I’m not ready mode” and did what I knew was best in the long run. Even though it was my fault for getting in this situation, I took it as a learning experience.

A quick text letting the guy I was dating at the time know that I couldn’t do it and I needed half. Simple as that. He was a typical “nigga” with the typical nigga mentality and I was the girl who seen beyond that but realized when it wasn’t seen in himself, it was time to let go. I spoke to God about giving me a sign of who he really was or to prove that he was indeed NOT that guy but… I was wrong. Now I’m not saying that having the abortion was God’s sign but simply how dude handled my words and did not respect my decision. I broke down to him about our individual situations and how yes I had my own place and job but a child did not fit into the financial equation on either parts. Even just saying those simple words and him just focused on a “baby” and having a child, showed the immaturity I hoped to not have seen. I knew it would be a long road that wasn’t worth the struggle at that moment. I honestly never want that for myself or any woman to be a single mother doing everything for this little person on your own 24/7. Things happen but if I can control it or change that, I take advantage knowing it may not come around again. He was faaarrrr from ready and I was beyond stupid to go that route with that type of guy. I knew the consequences but just had to test the waters and see for myself. What a slap in the face. I then seen the mental of women in this position: you want to make it work, he wants a baby and you’re willing to give knowing he’s the wrong person but hoping to see change, you get pregnant, baby is born, you still keep faith in this person to be around after birth but quickly see your faults when baby comes home and all joy comes from family and friends. Not the person who helped with this creation. Thus becoming a single mother.

Literally a week later and a week before my birthday (21), I was on the chopping block. I guess I can be so candid about it now because it’s far from over and the strong emotional part of it was done as well. I remember going in and talking a mile a minute to the doctor while getting drugged while he told jokes to distract me. Before going there, they torture you by telling you how far along you are and the possible due date (6 weeks, October/ November). I guess just in case you change your mind, I don’t know. After it was over, I woke up very drowsy and heard the chatter of nurses around me and looking over to my right and seeing a girl I’ve known since middle school...crazy how small the world is at times. I remember walking out and seeing my first boyfriend there ready to take me home. He was my rock throughout the entire process of me finding out etc. He actually fronted the money to me due to the guy not wanting any parts and was paid the next pay check.

The week I had off after, I sulked, never cried but was just down and slept a lot. Mainly because of the physical pain. I didn’t even feel bad about losing him and if anything, it was good riddens. I felt like a loser for getting it done, having to miss money from work and having ever dealing with him for as long as I did. I was in school at the time, just turned 21 and couldn’t even enjoy it. Think that’s why I went out so much after that was over. It was my way of venting. I think I finally got this off my chest to prove to women that doing what’s best for YOU should always come first. I know they have the protests and the anti-abortion commercials but I was young and made a mistake that I felt couldn’t be fixed any other way. I felt I could have carried and have adoption as an option but would feel obligated to keep and get too attached. Should always start from the beginning by wearing condoms especially at the early twenty ages! This is when you have fun and enjoy life and not go through something so life changing. Take all necessary precautions to protect yourself physically, financially and emotionally. I see too many girls and women and girls that need women in their lives have babies for these guys while they skip on responsibility and ease on down the road to the next girl willing to play dumb. She may not play at all and just need guidance in the right direction of the man she needs in her life instead of the one she wants. I can honestly say though sometimes the girl/woman who looks the most put together and seems to have everything figured out, always fails in a certain area in life. She’s human. I’m human.

*The significance of even the smallest things to some could mean so much more to the next person. The number 8 does that for me. This would be his/her year to celebrate that with me.*

Financial Inabilities

In order to live and live how you want to, you need a job. While it’s great to have a job, you need a job that’s paying well or at least good enough with benefits. When it then pays good enough, you can live how you want and dreamed of. Right? That’s basically how it goes and been going for years now. It’s not the 50’s and 60’s anymore where women play housewife and cook and clean all day while taking care of the kids. The men took care of the financial part along with driving the family around when needed. These days, how I once was, women are doing it for themselves to the point where having a roommate, school, working 2 jobs, and being single is the norm. All of this to have their own and claim their independence from our counterparts: the man.

You then have the women, like myself now, who live with their partners and still have their independence, school, and possibly working two jobs to make ends meet. Of course you have the man in your life and could probably go to him when needed but come on women we all know when things get tough, somebody wants to fall back or can’t handle it...usually it’s him. Not all men but there are quite a few. Us women are tough and do what needs to be done, daily. The men today still wants you to pull your weight regardless! Now I’m not saying that women who work hard are looking for a “free ride” to make up for the lack of sleep but when help is needed, the Jordan’s, Polo’s, going out every weekend, and some extracurricular activities have to be put on hold to take care of home. I guess they forget you like to go out and have fun also! Let loose, forget about your money problems and finally have a clear head. So that's hard for the person who can't do it or has to on someone elses dime. Outside of my immediate family, I have a plethora of aunts and uncles who take care of business. I’ve watched them and even till this day, let their women (my aunts) stay home and do whatever or my aunts getting off work the same time as the men or later. However she utilized her time when the kids were grown and left was her business. He didn’t care as long as he was able to play the part he wanted in her life, the man.

Back to the Polo’s and Jordan’s. Men these days are much more caught up in looking good then us women! It’s not a problem when the money is right but when it’s tough or your partner is having a hard time, they don’t know how to compromise. They know self, me and I. And sorry to say but most men tend to stay home longer before getting that first place. They know nothing about stress, feeling useless, doubtful, or powerless. Women being emotional, we tend to feel 10 different emotions in one day depending on what we’re going through. With many, they have the audacity to make you feel as if you’ve never done ANYTHING before reaching your low moment without realizing the damage being done. Only because they see how they were used to living has to take a “pay cut”. When you’re a partner, you have to learn to put things on back burner until further notice especially when it’s materialistic or not a priority. For example, when living on my own with just roommates, hair and nails stopped until I was caught on bills and rent was paid, DVD’s were brought out and bought and cable turned off, places where I bought my seasonal items from became cheaper and I reached out to people who had food stamps to not worry about food expenses. You make it work. So in my opinion, when a man gets “stupid” over bills or anything with money when you’re tight but trying, red flag alert. That’s the person you should appreciate the most in my opinion because they have nothing and still give what they can from their situation. Nobody is perfect and things happen.

I know women going through this at the moment but not many men. I’ve actually spoke with an old co-worker one evening on the train about his situation and me actually hearing it from a man gave a different perspective. He was ready to put her out, was sick of her sitting around all day, tired of being the breadwinner, and didn’t feel the need to take care of a “grown woman”. All I could say was damn. How do you know she’s just sitting around all day? And did you also think she may be tired of you being the breadwinner as well? I felt bad for him and also for her. Him because I understand the stress it puts on someone when going from splitting everything to it being done all on your own. It’s like carrying a feather to then carrying a 50lb weight everyday on both shoulders. Her because it sucks having to depend on anybody for damn near everything that you need on a daily basis. It’s nothing like having your own money so to go from working everyday or whatever to not at all is the worst feeling in the world. It makes you feel like a failure, your credit is getting tore up, interest is getting higher, debt collection calls are the norm and debating with your phone company to even receive calls for an interview is a weekly thing. Trust, if your a regular non-famous individual, we have ALL been there.

So how do you avoid having to deal with this? To not ever move in with a man!! LOL just kidding but you definitely have to learn patience, prayer and understanding. If we understand each other’s perspectives and actually learn our partners inside and out, then you should be fine. You want to be comforted and loved by your partner not criticized about what you can't do. Nobody wants to feel that low blow. I feel people and life in general are not that difficult so why do we make it so hard? It’s already hard enough on a day to day basis as is so having a sense of humor helps get through anything in my opinion. Looking at the brighter side of things can make your day feel like a sunny spring morning in April...and that’s a great feeling. I know it’s hard so when that financial conversation or argument comes up and after all is said and done, pray, let go and let GOD. If all else fails, better your situation the best way you can and move on.

Until next time;)

Oh Naturale

We have seen women with natural hair for years now... so I’m confused about the reactions of some. I remember when I decided on no longer perming my hair. It was about 4 years ago and figured since I wore my hair like a natural, how about actually trying it. I would do curly rodded hair, pumps, braid- outs, and bantu knots. So when I became natural, I realized the styles looked much better and my hair was healthier! I never thought in a million years that I would walk outside with a fro lol. When nothing is done with my hair, I usually walk the dog like this or when I’m about to have wash day. Which is an all day, off work process but it’s worth it.

I’m still working on finding hair products that work for me...yes, after 3 years and some change and this is what it has come to...still. I love Coconut Oil from Traders Joes or health food market(makes the hair manageable and smells awesome), Grape Seed Oil, Olive Oil, Cantu Curling Cream (for twist or braid- outs), Eden Deep Conditioner and Eden Coconut Cream for hair and scalp( which I love!), and either Cantu or As I am co-wash. Both good products so it depends on where I Am and the price honestly. I try to deep condition my hair every week when not braided with or without washing or co-washing my hair.

 

My biggest concern sometimes is going to an interview with my natural hair! Knowing that people in the professional field are weird about it. I can do an up-do, a flat twist out or straight blow out and do french braids but I still feel the eyes. You know the places that have predominately caucasian employees and my guess is their thinking “how the hell is she going to fit in here if offered a position?”. Maybe that’s just my insecurity but I honestly don’t think I am my hair and shouldn’t have to change who I am for anybody, including white america. I have seen time and time again black natural women straightening their hair or wearing weave to “fit in” at the office. That they were tired of getting the looks and questions about their hair and decided to eliminate this. Me personally, I feel communication is key. I have no problem politely telling my fellow employee to mind their business. I don’t question you about hair “extensions”, different shades of blonde, washing your hair every single morning or not and it smelling like the chihuahua you have at home, or the constant shedding that occurs all day with every flip you do. So please, don’t cross that line.     

   

Anywho, I feel judged by that after already being African American and female. In many cities like DC, most areas in the south and here in Philly, it’s pretty obvious that natural is in but most other black women aren’t with it unless “bestie” or her favorite sibling decided she wants to go natural. Then here comes the hashtags, pics and natural posts they never even thought of posting before or that I’ve never seen at least. That just goes back to black women not supporting one another because you’re going to support friends and family regardless. It’s the blacks outside of family and friends that you turn a blind eye too and don’t support. For example, Even in the workplace when becky or samantha has questions for fatima who wears straight weave or lace fronts about how sharon wears her hair as a natural, 9 times out of 10, fatima’s response will not be a mature one. It’s already bad enough we go through “texture discrimination” for some having “nappier” hair and darker complexions than others.

So, how do you just ignore the comments and looks? Let it be a breeze and float on. Period. My natural hair is most likely healthier, I have my edges, and I save hella money by being able to use product I already have in my kitchen cabinet. I love the consistency and the versatility of my hair. A blow out, flexi rod, bantu knots and flat twist is well worth the tussle with your hair on any given day. It’s so pretty especially when colored and ends are clipped when necessary. So, to the naturals who love their hair from wash day to locs to braids to dreads to a fro to a mohawk (my fav), continue to do you boo! Love the 4b, 4c, 3a, 3b hair type you have and don’t let anyone else tell you different!

     

No Sex Zone

Men use not getting any as an excuse to stray. We’ve all been there before, heard the excuses as to why, it meaning nothing, she meant nothing, and that you haven’t been giving it up. But if that’s the case, then why do it meant nothing? Don’t lie, just say you were horny and you weren’t satisfied. But I guess it’s because they can. Welp, how I see it and how many women see it, if you were doing what you were supposed to and made her feel like priority number one...maybe you would get it at least twice a week compared to not at all. Women worry and a lot of things can be mind consuming and if we are in that frame of mind (work, kids, maintaining a household, bills, etc.) then your not doing what you should to help take that load off... so you can take that load off. That’s a woman’s way of letting you know something is wrong. Helloooo! How many times do we have to say this! Women don’t go out and cheat because they want you to notice that there is an issue and attempt to resolve it with them...as a couple. Of course after awhile, I know many that just give up and say “fuck it, I know somebody that can and will give what you won’t because I’m not asking for much”. They usually do and are better off.

Funny how men respond to that quicker than an actual conversation that won’t lead to an argument! You know how it goes: she’s expressing how she felt about the other night at dinner during a double date with the comments that were made, he doesn’t agree that it was anything bad because it was the truth, she calls him an asshole, and from there the voices go up an octave and now the neighbors know your business. In my opinion, if you’re consistent and meet her halfway, then she will give you the world. A woman will not do that just to keep you around, you have to meet her halfway, period. Our intuition kicks in and that’s it! The thoughts we have, reached finality, we begin visualizing ourselves living without you, take workshop classes to do things around the house ourselves, ask another man to help out if not, ask girlfriends and female cousins about a “friend” to keep her busy until whenever and in our minds, we are single and may be ready to mingle. The motto: fuck em.

It’s just hilarious though to watch them suffer or hear the stories about it. Walking around with a t-shirt and panties on, sleeping naked, hair, manicure and pedicure on point and he can’t even touch you! Lol. We know what we’re doing too and could care less about his erection or arousal. Oh and he better not dare give you a compliment! That starts a whole new conversation/argument. “You can say something about my hair and nails but nothing about the argument we had the other night? Considering you have yet to apologize, fuck you and your compliment. How about that and have a great night buddy”. That’s when we get petty and call the bff and run everything down to her, have the man of your dreams as a screensaver on your phone, text messages laying in the bed on your side so he thinks your texting another guy or wearing the super sexy high heel to work knowing damn well you usually wear flats or at least just 3 inches. Hey, a lesson must be learned for it not too happen again.

Men don’t realize that sex is not everything to us and have to learn to respect it. I understand there are women out here who could care less about a wife, let alone a fiance’ or girlfriend! She’s just looking out for her needs and if your man just so happens to fit that at that moment, she will use her body to make sure he stays. And men are super dumb to even think she really gives a damn about him. I hear sooo many conversations where women just want to be rescued. Whether it be financially, emotionally or physically, she is on a mission to make sure that happens. That’s why you see many women in their 40’s and 50’s divorcing their men of 20 and 30 something years with children for the girl on a mission, not woman. I say “girl” because any woman in her right mind know that karma is a motha and he will do the same to you (not to say that women who are independent with business’ or careers don’t do it, if anything they’re the main ones sometimes)They always say “he won’t, I’m nothing like his wife or girl from what he tells me”....yeah, what HE tells you dummy. He found a problem with her, he will find one with you. Sad but that’s the reality we live in today and always been that way. I just keep on praying about that one.

Anywho, I said all of that to say that yes, sex in any relationship is important but it’s not everything! A woman will shut down if she feels her partner is not all in and ready to commit. People get so caught up in the physical appearance of the opposite sex that they forget to look completely at their own partner, inside and out. Like they want to keep searching for something better instead of appreciating what they already have. ALL women have their own curves, appetite for life/living, goals, aspirations and last but not least, the man they want to share this with. Clearly if she’s with you, then it’s because she wants to be. So get to the bottom of what’s bothering your partner, what’s bothering you and see what yall can do to help the situation. They have all kinds of videos, classes, and therapist (lol) to get through any issue if you really want this person in your life but come across differences. A man, these days, will give up too often and too quickly on the woman he loves without much effort or a second thought. Even if he stays in the relationship and especially now that summer has arrived and the ladies are wearing less and less. To me it’s crazy how they can do that but party every weekend with the homies not thinking about the liver, smoke everyday not thinking about the lungs and run up in anything with the right complexion and booty size not thinking about std’s or anything that can be caught with just skin to skin contact... but suddenly won’t give 2 craps about the woman in their life whom they love so much. Interesting right?

To making life work for self and looking within.