What Happens In This House, Stays in This House

“What goes on in this house, stays in this house”

Growing up, no matter what your ethnicity or religious background is, at some point you have heard your parents or guardian say this to you. Now, it’s not ENTIRELY a wrong thing, I just feel they were never specific about what things. So for instance, if your grandmother was staying with you guys because her house caught a fire, okay to keep to yourself. If your father abuses your mother daily, okay to tell a friend. Unless grandmother has a foul mouth and constantly disrespects you, your parents relationship or household, then talk to someone about how you feel. She got to go lol! In my opinion, kids/children hold onto the negative in their life more than the positive meaning the negative affects them more mentally and emotionally. In everyday life, they will carry this with them into the workforce, relationships, friendships and affect their personality.

Usually when people don’t have an outlet, it can create loneliness and mental illness. It comes in the form of anger, depression, Molly’s, smoking weed all day/everyday, syrup and Percocets. Okay, okay, smoking weed is a choice (like all) that is relaxing and recreational but you CAN over do it. Anything to take their mind off of the pain/hurt. Back to my original post.

Many parents don’t realize that telling your kids to keep things in the household will make a child keep everything in the household, even things that need to be discussed out loud. Abuse comes in all shapes and forms and can often be their own parents. Mommy and daddy not happy together or at all, you or a sibling may either get verbally or physically abused. Uncle Sheldon staying at the house until he gets on his feet around your 11 year old blossoming daughter, sexual abuse may come into play. Parents in the middle of a nasty divorce, both are bitter and angry, emotional abuse is displayed and the child feels neglected. But this child holds this in and doesn’t say a word always keeping in mind what their parents taught them, what goes on in this household, stays in this household. These things could also be happening to the friend of your child. The child’s parent goes by this same rule and now both your child and the friend are being abused when he just there overnight to have fun. See how this works? I’m very observant now, I can only imagine the intensity once I have children of my own. I’ll pray now for their patience and understanding.

Take it a step further. You keep it in the household and decide to tell your parents how you feel. What is usually the response?

• Don’t tell your mother/father, they may get upset

• Why would you feel neglected or not loved when you don’t want for anything? You have food, shelter, and clothing on your back

• Your uncle has been around you since you were a little girl, why would you say something like that? I’m going to ask him what’s going on

• I yell at or hit you and your brother to keep y'all in check, you don’t listen and I get tired of talking. Your mom/dad is already giving me slack, I don’t need it from either of you as well

Now, I personally don’t feel to the extent of what was said above is ever spoken of in most households. You have soooo many “parents” whom do not need children and could care less about their well being. But there is nothing that needs to be said though especially concerning my daughter! Uncle Sheldon would be dead, period. I would take those charges and my husband should want to do the same but in this situation, no grown man, outside of my husband, would ever be living in my house around my kids or staying for extended periods of time. I can find you a shelter but I don’t know what to tell you. Sorry. Parents need to think. If they did, there would be more parents in jail from protecting their children! Or more villains in jail because they were caught when it happened. On a daily basis when you have children, there should not ever be a moment on where you don’t think of ways of improving  your children, their situation or the relationship you have with them. They should always be the most important thought of the day and the most important aspect in your life. I can’t understand how parents would want their kids to keep things that hurt them to themselves? Anything that’s bothering them restricted to an environment that’s not healthy for growth and well-being? When they can’t find an outlet at home and in you, they find it with friend or foe and it’s usually the wrong crowd, that gets into the wrong things, to have all the wrong consequences in the long run. We would also have less adolescents in the system at young ages.

To making 2019 a better & safer year for children! Salute to the parents who take zero crap when it comes to their kids.

I'm Good Luv, Enjoy

No matter what was going on back in the day with our parents and grandparents, it seem to never be a doubt concerning marriage. I think that’s why they look at younger generations and ask when, what’s up, or what you waiting on. It’s mind blowing to them because they got married at young ages, had all their children or most with one man/woman and feel if it’s not done with a certain time frame, then you need to move on. They feel marriage is what makes a family whole and complete and simply spending the rest of your life with the one you love. That was simply the way to do things. Simple right? Wrong!! You know how many women my age have put out a deadline with or without her man knowing on the relationship because marriage is her goal and she wants nothing less? You know how many women will beg their man for marriage? Stick around and have all of his babies, cook, clean, wash clothes, and whatever the hell else just to prove that she is the marrying type? When are we women going to learn that if he is not fully committed, he will move how and when he wants too. Move on if it’s not what you want. Move on if he’s not willing to give you that commitment you ask for and have asked for since day one before anything serious. Move on if your not getting the time, attention, or proper love you need and deserve or if at one point you were getting this and it just stopped. Move on.

It will cause less heartbreak, less anger, less resentment, less loneliness and less bull. Trust me, you will get over it. Smoke something, have a cocktail with your girls, sleep, sex, exercise and learn to live your life without this person….you will be okay. I always wonder if women are scared of being comfortable then suddenly being alone? But is it better to be alone or to be with someone who has gotten comfortable? Think about it. Would you want to be with someone who is willing to ride WITH you and vice versa or with someone who wants you to ride out with them? As if selfishness isn’t already a human being issue. Do you want happiness, vacations, a family, love and peace in the household or do you want to be filled with resentment and anger for not following your gut instinct completely thinking that keeping this person around would work out? Prayer works wonders in this situation.

I feel many women have bad or unhealthy relationships/marriages due to thinking he only proposed because of how long we’ve been together. But it’s like a sympathy proposal: she’s been riding out with me for like 10 years, carried my children, stayed through tough times or when I was being a dog, take care of the household….that’s the least I could do is give her a ring. A ring...not commitment, lifelong companionship, a good man/husband, a family, beautiful wedding, wife and no longer girlfriend….a ring. The things I have heard men say are ridiculous and I feel bad for the women who deserve a good man and happiness and to get there have to endure all the nonsense first or at all before getting a proposal. Sad. I start to think, is it the parent/guardian or the woman just letting this man do whatever he wants with no boundaries or standards? Or both? Not saying women make it better because we can get in our way. Many began to think they aren’t worthy of being someone’s wife because no one asked, date all the wrong men and think your doomed to find anyone good instead of simply changing the men you bring into your life or simply waiting because you think you found the one but he makes you wait years upon years because it has to be on HIS time.

He’s just enjoying you! He doesn’t feel the need for commitment or marriage because he’s already getting the benefits. Maybe it’s just you as a person and woman to want a clean home so you don’t mind cleaning but he doesn’t. When you cook you make sure he eats as well knowing he never cooks for you. When at the store you call and see if he needs anything knowing he never does the same and “assumes” your good. Continue to be this person so God can give you exactly who you need and want. Now for him, I always personally want karma (LOL) it just feels good to be petty for once but also knowing that he knows what it feels like to be treated as such. Trust, it’s a lot women out here who are savages and could care less about a man’s feelings, she is out for self….let him run into one of those. To feel worthless, unappreciated, or disrespected and cry to their boys what she did and with who...hilarious! But on a serious note, I wish women would get more confident and know their worth. To leave when you see the red flags and not way after. There too many of us being abused and hurt. I wish men would respect more, be more mature in life and not just “enjoy” a woman. Do the opposite of what daddy did to your mother and do better by your woman and children.

“The mother controls the man’s heart and the father controls his actions.” - Iyanla Vanzant

Until next time...

Ignorant.

Ignorant: lacking knowledge or awareness in general; uneducated or unsophisticated.

I sometimes personally feel life is better when you’re ignorant to people and your surroundings. It sounds stupid but when we know what goes on in the world or neighborhood...anxiety, stress and worry set in something terrible! I love to read blogs, books, the news etc and like to now stay in the know but at one point in my life, that was not the case. I felt better walking outside at night not knowing there was an actual rapist on the loose but knew they existed. I felt comfortable drinking and getting on the sub to go home instead of a taxi without having to think of my throat being slit for no reason or thrown in somebody's trunk and gone missing. People are crazy and it's sad that I can and will no longer go back to that. Now mind you, I'm not saying that was the smartest mindset but I didn't really feel the need to be afraid. I always felt God got me and what's meant to be, will be. I just went with the flow.

Now these days, shhiiiiittttt, I’m not stepping out the house without a military blade and pepper spray! And that's the least. If I could carry a gun all day, I would with no problem! I see everyday someone missing, some pervert caught watching kids at a playground or school, uber drivers trying it, people in your own neighborhood killing with no problem and conversing with you like nothing ever happened. If I get in an Uber I try to send somebody my location and get a good look at this person while entering the car. I don't walk down dark blocks and if I have too to get in the house, I walk in the middle of the street. No matter if I'm coming from the car or Uber. I'm more aware and at one point even downloaded this app that shows you the felons in your area, how long they served, when they got out, full facial picture of this person, what they did, the whole nine. But with all of that comes anxiety and stress for me smh. Trying to be cautious, aware and safe takes too much! But I would rather do that than to have to put effort into fighting for my life. I feel as women, we have to educate ourselves more on the physical aspect of protecting ourselves and pass this onto our daughters. We laugh and joke about what would do if somebody put their hands on us or about cutting somebody but if most men grab a woman with intent on hurting her, that’s it. No getting out of that unless this woman is wonder woman or miraculously stronger than this man.

Growing up without a father never bothered me. I had my mother, aunts, uncles (Rest In Paradise Uncle Rob & Uncle Gregory) and older cousins so if and when I needed anything: advice about relationships, learning to cook a certain dish, help with homework or learning how to take care of myself as a woman, I simply asked them. Women have always been the backbones and strength behind us from the beginning so what would I need a man for? What can he teach me that she can not? Welp, you grow into an adult and learn mighty quickly what those things are. It's mostly lessons, mental and emotional support that a father can bring to their children. If myself and my mother had tension or beef, we needed that man to intervene inside the household to keep the peace and balance from all the estrogen lol! But on a serious note I realized what I missed out on by seeing friends with their fathers and just having that very first relationship that's more important than any relationship you will ever have in life with the first MAN in your life. It means something and molds you differently to prepare you for the other most important MAN, your husband.

As a child, you’re told to eat your veggies, drink more water especially in the summer and don’t be up all night on the phone knowing you have school in the morning. But we all know that was never the case! We stayed up on 3 way calls talking about something that happened in school that day, drank juice, ate water ice and a Reese cup tasted better than spinach. The grown you kicks in with working 8-10 hours a day, getting 5-6 hours of sleep and you still have those same eating habits forgetting the fact that your body and mental is taking a toll. I always hear people say they take vitamins so I’m good. Wrong. It's too many African Americans who have diabetes and high blood pressure but are extremely overweight. And it's sad cause in the black community if you are thin, lost weight or just taking care of yourself due to having either or, your too skinny, you eat rabbit food or you need a burger….like that's not what got us in this situation to begin with! I personally decided not to eat to beef or pork and I'm working on my sugar intake at the moment to get that under control considering I'm a huge milk chocolate fan. I watch what I cook with, how much butter I tend to use, salt and what kind of salt I use and just better decisions overall. I tried absolutely no meat but gotta take baby steps lol, not all the way there yet. We don't see the damage it could do until we are older with bad knees, heart problems, back issues or aneurysm from stress. Do better and take care: mind and body.

Ignorance is bliss and I see what they always meant by this.

Black People VS. Niggas

I love my black people. They’re friendly to their neighbors, do their job and go home to their families, they exude positivity and most importantly uplift other blacks/African Americans.

I can’t stand Niggas. Disrespectful, nasty attitudes, negative from sun up to sun down, hate seeing another “nigga” or black folk doing well and minding their business and feel like somebody owes them something.

Niggas. The ones who live around the way. They may work during the day full-time, take care of their kids or spouses and own their homes on the block. Thing is “nigga” is something inside of them and like the color of their skin, won’t go anywhere. They carry this with them and it’s not a good thing because they don’t know how to turn it off. They absolutely hate to see another black person doing their thing especially if it’s a neighbor. The petty will never end and even if you mind your business, they will always have something bad to say or find something. Niggas are lazy giving all other races the impression that we don’t want anything, aren’t about anything and will never amount to anything or anyone. You can walk into a corner store and be called a bitch by a nigga all because you didn’t want to give him the time of day or number. You could have been polite as ever and smiled, he still calls you a bitch and goes home at night to the room in his mothers or grandmothers house. Niggas make you feel like punching somebody in the throat. How is it that, myself - a black woman, can’t walk past another black woman and give a compliment or say good morning and get nothing from another sistah in return? Or get the stank look “ like why is she speaking to me” type of thing. Girl! You aren’t that cute  and it’s not that deep but I’ll let you have it lol. Crazy!

Black people. Like a breath of fresh air! Now, I’m not saying they don’t have their issues but it ain’t that deep to them. They live life like everyone else with careers, thriving business’ and worked for what they have. They speak with respect toward everyone and especially other blacks. They always want better or more and look for ways to better their situation. Conducting themselves with respect in public whether at work or just out and about is the norm for them. They grew above they counterparts and decided on something better instead of the constant negativity, fighting, and drama. They own their homes, raise their children and speak to their neighbors...no petty involved. Block parties, supporting the local black business’, and the old heads on the block that will check your child for doing something they weren’t supposed too. But it’s all love! Grand-parents being able to have the “open door” policy (lol) so you could see what mom mom such and such was cooking, hear a good story from her childhood or learn a lesson on anything about life. Seeing your neighbor from the next block upgrade their vehicle from an early 2000 something to the latest year and congratulate them for working hard with a handshake and a smile.

I had a customer come into the branch sometime last week, older black guy, very positive even though he had barely anything in his account, still had a smile on his face. Told me he was taking out his last for his daughter who needed something for college! He asked me how I was doing and how my day was going, vice versa all while I’m doing his transaction. He made the comment that he liked my customer service and it’s sad that when he goes into other establishments whether black owned or just working there, he doesn’t get that same positive customer service. I told him that I noticed the same thing and that we have to do better and become more of a unit like other races. They can all support one another, live in the same neighborhoods and do great things with no bad blood. Niggas, can not. I feel once we start with liking one another, then supporting one another, can actually work with one another and show more love, we may be okay. Until then we will keep killing one another, showing anger and better yet, showing black children that our behavior is okay and acceptable. It’s not. Sometimes I wish I could snap my fingers and everything could be different everywhere, not just certain areas. Kids could play outside and not have to worry about the violence around the corner. There would be way more programs available for children and the elderly to show people actually cared about them. Blacks would have more business’ around the way other than a barber shop, beauty salon, day care center or water ice stand. To give our people more variety so they won’t have to shop from the chinese, white, papi or african’s.

Until next time….

Female Work Place Behavior

                                                                                                             

You go to work to...work, get the job done. You don’t nor should you have to deal with drama, attitudes or other employees minding your business about what you speak to your manager about! Yes, that part. I’m currently working for a bank, not a good one but money is money and a paycheck is needed. I’m currently working on other things outside of work because working for someone else for too much longer might get me a case. Anywho, I like to get along with people and learned from experience not to speak with the employee concerning a work related issue you have. Management is always better. Why? To keep the bullshit to a minimum, be professional and keep petty at bay. No matter how they feel about it! They don’t own or run the place so me speaking to a manager/boss to me is showing I’m not for it, in my opinion. It cuts out the middleman, the he say, she say and keeps things professional.

So last week, now I got over it at this point because she’s miserable, a coworker tried it. Twice. I get paid for travel time to and from so I leave earlier than the other two girls. I’m called a floater and any other floater that would be there, would leave early as well. She’s one of those employees that feel since she has children, nobody else’s time outside of work matters but her’s. Sorry but that was your decision to have children sweety and you have to work 40 hours unless you put otherwise on your application like the rest of those who do not have children! That’s just common sense but clearly it’s never that common. I’m not in the business of explaining myself to “employees” or co-workers so nothing was said. My silence was everything in my opinion and in so many ways my face as well. Anyway, she felt some kind of way about me leaving earlier than them and felt she needed to address this with the branch manager….who by the way is NOT my manager, just that branches manager. The float team has their own management that we go to and she knows this. Again, common sense. What she fails to realize is, that’s her home branch and I don’t have one….I’m there to help and help out only so if I don’t stay all day….it’s justifiable and again none of her business.

                                                   

The issue is why is that any of your concern when you’re a teller just like me, don’t have another name besides teller like myself and the manager wants to get rid of you? If anything, due to them being one employee down on maternity leave, be grateful that the company is actually sending someone there to help when there could only be two tellers instead of three. I’m just saying. Before that, the second thing that was done was her calling herself checking me!....who, bitch? I walked away due to not wanting to argue and just being professional. Now many would say that’s a punk move, I would have checked that hoe, etc but as you get older you realize people’s actions have nothing to do with you and it’s your reaction that is everything. So I kept it pushing and let her be great lol. Why indulge in someone else’s clear unhappiness about their life? It was all over me turning on the air for a bit when it’s cold outside….but it was 88 degrees back there behind the teller line. Felt real Carribean! Anybody that has ever worked in banking knows it gets hot behind the glass when you have counter to ceiling plexiglass. She acted as if nobody else was working back there with her and she was at home. She was on lunch break, came back and immediately started with the dumb shit and the way she said it was a tad disrespectful. I ignored it and cut the air off when I felt like it of course. It got way too hot again so I shut down my station and walked off. She came off wrong and stated she wasn’t ready to help the next customer and I can’t just walk away like that until I make sure she was ready etc. Like who the fuck was she? The next customer would just have to wait but I don’t deal with heat too well so it was either walk off or the situation goes left and very unprofessional. By that time, the door closed and I walked to the back to breathe. Mind you, this heffa is planning her wedding….why so mad boo? Makes me wonder if everything at home is okay like she leading on to be. It could be the job also but not too many people like their jobs at all but you just keep moving on until you find what you’re looking for. Now in my mind, that’s somebody that wants to control you or feel they have more pull than they actually do. Have several, please and thank you.

                                                    

A most recent incident is her just being absolutely smart for no reason. I sit all the way at the end of the line towards the wall by the ATM next to her goofy ass. So knowing I have to walk by, she leaves her chair sitting out in the walkway, if I have a work related question concerning an account, I get ignored (lol) or it’s the simple huffing and puffing she does for no reason when I’m in a good mood speaking with a customer about life. She’ll play videos all loud on her phone with customers in the lobby or walk off and take phone calls, etc. The list goes on! BUT, to keep it cute, I don’t say one word to the child cause clearly she has some things to work out. I simply told my manager and I won’t be returning to this location once I leave. Mind you this girl is like 33 going on 15 with 3 kids… Age ain’t nothing but a number.

I wrote this and told this long story about petty betty (lol) to make a point about “women” in the workplace. Especially when it’s your OWN race in the workplace. You figured there should be more respect because we are one in the same first and foremost and that’s a WOMAN in a professional environment. We are already looked down on as not being smarter than men, get paid less sometimes and aren’t looked at as good leaders and managers due to getting “emotionally involved” and not being simply logical. Stop the dumb shit, simply do your job and go home to your families. Simple.  There’s no need in being friends, talking about personal at home situations, being unprofessional due to a chip on your shoulder, being petty, gossip, and worrying about the next. We can be cordial, we can lift one another up, motivate one another to do better as women and congratulate when a goal is accomplished! Whether it’s a simple calm down on the chocolate goal or finally wrapping up that business account you’ve worked so hard for and looking forward to that bonus. We don’t do enough of that and in the new year, need to make this our everyday goal. It use to kill me to feel obligated in playing another female who came off the wrong way towards me for no reason. Now, when around this person, I smile and be happy. Fuck em. What they eat don’t make me shit and that’s their PERSONAL problem that they must pray about and find the solution too. Now that’s the true definition of New Year, New Work Professional ME!

Toodles!!

Quiet Girl

Ooh you typical Pisces. March 14th, 1987...closer to Aries and sometimes it shows. Then again, you are the beginning and ending of the zodiac so there is a little of every sign in you. Confusing right? I’d like to think so myself but guess who has to deal with everyday...you. Sometimes your outgoing, chill, entertaining, funny and other times moody, reserved and tense. Quiet by nature and could give two craps about most things some of the time or what people say about you...sometimes lol. Other times you care too much and people take advantage or have in the past. You’re a good friend but very few get to see this trait due to the wall that builds when people seem to be getting too close. You’re the person that could be around their family, other friends, and talk to people on the phone to no end but will still deal with them from a distance. Meaning some may never meet the family right away or when they see fit, I’ve been told it was weird but until one asks, will never know the full reason as to why. Call it what you want.

Maybe being hurt and treated as an “option” began to build the wall? Being quiet isn’t always easy and many tend to “forget” about those with few words. We are either dumb, sneaky, not exciting enough or always overshadowed by those with more outgoing personalities. It’s easy for you to become the go-to when there is an issue and they want just anyone to talk too about their problems. Often forgetting you have your own but you’re quiet so what could you possibly be going through?? You don’t speak, have no friends, and what man would deal with you? Give me a break with the dumb shit. But that just goes to show how small minded people can be. It’s funny when people realize you have a voice lol. It’s like watching a shocking video on YouTube! Either people are confused by it or their jaws drop when they realize how much I have to say and how often I cuss...yes, we do know curse words people. We aren’t always often as nice as you think, I have no reason to be sneaky (never have) because I’m a grown ass woman who does whatever the fuck she wants! Excuse the language but you’ll get used to it soon.

People have no patience for the quiet smh. I can’t count on how many fingers I had to almost chin check the shit out of somebody for believing quiet people can’t do anything…. I’m quiet, not dumb and may even be smarter than you think. Annoying! People then use that opportunity to treat us however they feel sometimes. You ever hear about the many quiet individuals just even in high school that snapped and popped the shit out somebody or that brought a gun to school with the intentions of using if Johnny said one more word….that’s us. I’m glad I have not ever been tested like this in school and pray that I won’t have to act out on negative feelings I may have towards someone. That is honestly the trait we have that I don’t like. We wait. Wait until the third time when keisha got smart, the second time I was disrespected by my manager or the fifth time your sister decided to talk to you crazy. Then we snap! Drops the mic and walk away as if nothing happened. Now that’s what I do like, we can bounce back and just walk away without a second look of concern. Oh well, don’t do it again. Can’t count on one hand how my mind went to choking life out of somebody that only had one. more. time. Ticking time bombs. We mind our business and stay to self at all times.

We can be the most respectful, honest, loyal people with awesome personalities and could probably keep you laughing and people wonder what the hell is so funny! Goofy at times and depends on the person we’re around and if you bring that out of us. We love our alone time, a good book and music so 9 times of 10, we’re in our homes or bedrooms zoned out to something that has us floating….(now you can take that either way, a little weed never hurt anybody lololol) or daydreaming about future endeavors. We are bothered when we want to be and have our usual go-to people when we want to be bothered. We are always in our heads about life and it may often show on our faces. And no it’s always a bad thought due to our miserable, mean look….well maybe mean….but we mean well lol. It just means at that moment to simply fuck off and let me be. Period. I will get back to you shortly, let me sort some things out. Now due to my “resting bitch face”, I guess you can call it that, I had a few females try me...not put hands on but to see how I was going to react. I didn’t react any differently than what I normally do on a regular basis except for one chick, I smiled at her. Simply because she was upset for no reason!! I don’t even say 2 words to you….so what’s the problem sweety? Lol.

Anyway, that sums up for now on the quiet woman known as myself. So please remember folks, we are not dumb, stupid, we comprehend pretty well. I do not need you doing anything for me as if I was born handicap, please keep all comments to self unless you want to see someone who is quiet and minding their business act like a tazmanian devil, we do have personality and display this to those who have our best interest at heart and we are completely awesome!! Take it or leave it! Until next time.

Dannie J.

Work Relationships...

We go to work everyday to make a living, extra income, new opportunities and learn a new skill. Along the way we meet new people, maybe experience seeing different cities, and learning how to work in a group setting on occasion. You then begin to realize, you see these people more than you see your own family or spouse! Sometimes it’s not always a good thing either lol. There’s always that one negative co-worker, the one who's too happy (not a bad thing but early in the a.m and being on 10 can be annoying), one who’s always having relationship troubles, the brown noser, the antisocial but always on the phone during the day texting or on a call during lunch breaks, and the parent who always discusses their children and their actions on a daily basis. Just to name a few. Then it goes to the outside of work activities.

It all starts in steps. Staying at work late with certain people all the time, to then getting drinks from the nearest pub, bar or lounge, then dinner dates, and then eventually to the homes we go. Cookouts, birthday parties for the kids, husbands watching the games together and maybe even double dating here and there. That to me is all good! By no means is there an issue with that. However, the issue I have and will not EVER do is meeting my spouse at work! I don’t know how the hell people do it! I want to be in my partner's world but to an extent. I want to know your working hard and doing your thing but I do not want to see it on a regular basis. I would get sick of the seeing this person to the point where I would feel going to our separate homes is space for us. Or if I’m mad at this person, have to see his ass allll day for 6-8 hours while I try to act as if he doesn’t exist lol. Petty moment number 1 and there’s plenty more where that came from!

The one thing that would really irritate me and I have heard of happening before is the flirting and dating other women in the office, professional setting, wherever you work. Um, no. You could get so caught up with someone that you might forget that even though there may be sex involved, they aren’t just yours! So you would have no choice but to hear stories of him dating other women from other people you work with, not him of course, and see it for yourself. At this point the choice is yours to figure out what you want to do but it’s definitely a hard decision to make when you’re feeling someone. That’s speaking from a typical woman's view. In my personal opinion, he can kick rocks and kiss every inch of my ass, as he has probably done already lol! But seriously, it’s a respect issue for me and if I’m not throwing other men in your face whether hearing it from me or not, then you shouldn’t. Sharing is not something grown people should do.

A girlfriend of mine went through the same thing. Now with her already being emotional, she let it go too far and got her feelings hurt. Now, I’m not being heartless but I feel you have to know who you are as a person before dealing with certain people. Period. If you know off hand from the beginning this person is full of shit and you fall easily, LEAVE THEM ALONE. It’s simple but people make life so complicated. Anyway, after he got what he wanted, he began acting differently and swerving her to no end. I felt bad at first but once she kept going on about it even after it was over, I got a little irritated. In my eyes it was done but she kept holding on and getting upset every chance she got from the thought of what he did. He didn’t care about her the way she did him and we seen it...she did not. Again, know who you are and what you want!

Back to work. I also feel when trying to get to know this person, you will hear most of it from co-workers running their mouths, most likely devaluing this person. So by the time you have a one on one, what wouldn’t you know? I guess what he looks like naked at this point lol. You would then have to worry about people being in ya’ll business if deciding to make it official. That’s annoying. Every little step he takes or whatever he does, they would be glad to tell you especially if it’s something concerning another woman. Petty moment number 2, aka will get somebody cussed out moment. So at this point, how do you really enjoy this kind of relationship? Yes, outside of work but what about at work? Of course keeping things professional and low-key is the key but people will know and I don’t know how much I would be able to take from the nosey co-workers with nothing to do. You know, the ones who have their own relationships, marriages, kids or anything else to worry about but they worry about you co-workers. So, yeah it’s safe to say...work relationships are the worst idea...in my opinion of course lol.

Until next time!

Dannie J.

Scared of Marriage

Me: Failure. Communication. Loss of interest. Compromise. There’s an ending (like a job). Consistency. Bored. Growing apart. Financial. Literal distance. Emotional distance. Time. Power struggles.

The way marriage was in the 60’s was beautiful. Not necessarily the roles they played (stay at home wife and working husband) but how love was sometimes all they had and they made it work. Divorce was not an option. You see and hear now how our aunts, uncles, grand-parents or parents have been married for years upon years and stuck it out through everything. She didn’t have to be barbie and dress a certain way to get and keep his attention and weddings were simple.

“I knew he was cheating, just didn’t know with who. His schedule became unexpected and he stayed out longer than usual after a while. With years behind us already in marriage, It was hard facing the truth. We were experiencing a rough time but felt talking, therapy, spending more time or remembering why we got married in the first place would help. I cared at first asking myself a million questions with the first being why? I got over it though. I then began to have my own affair. I would go to work, go to “his” home, wash and go home, sometimes beating your uncle there, to cook and help the kids with homework. Like nothing happened, just how he was able too. It became the normal daily thing to do. As long as home was taken care of on his part, I didn’t care what he did. I wasn’t going to stress over a man, husband and all.” - Auntie (this is not them in the pic, just an example)

As time goes on and I’m getting up there in age, I realized I’m probably the only woman scared of marriage! I would embrace it and not think about the negative but sometimes I feel like most men and how they feel! Of course you’re thinking if everything is good beforehand and there’s an understanding of what you both want/need, there shouldn’t be an issue right? This is true but that’s not always the case and I think I’m scared of things going wrong. Do I walk around like this...no but I’m a logical person and if nobody else can be real with me, I know I can. So I don’t sell myself the dream of marriage, I sell myself on the reality of marriage. They say it’s better to love than to not have loved at all...but that does not always mean you’re meant to marry that person... There will be arguments, disagreements, petty moments, and a dislike of something from the other at some point...but that’s a relationship. I’m more so concerned about the things that happen outside of those small things like losing trust, disrespect, money issues, or no longer keeping your partner on their toes...you know keeping things “new” and consistently being able to keep them happy….for the rest of your life. You would think people would have this down pact in the relationship but seems it gets harder with some. To keep interest for the rest of both persons lives, through sickness and health and until death do you part. That’s a lot of pressure!

I honestly feel that it’s like having a full time job because it takes WORK...outside of your full-time job, having a social life outside of them, making time for friends, family, then your own interests above all while trying not to be selfish. Somebody or something is going to come up short and depending on who you married, it may be you. People don’t treat it as such and afraid he may treat it as a part-time position. People view it as: I love this person, I see my life with this person and that’s it. Yes, as human beings, we make life more difficult than it really has to be but people are like onions and have many layers that you may not have seen. They don’t think about this person at their worst and really SEE if it’s worth it in the long run. I’m scared of not fully being accepted and this person just settling because of time. I’m scared of time spent being a distant memory, not being put first as his wife, work being more important than actually LIVING and having the guy who puts our relationship second or last to family or friends. You could worry about this before marriage but marriage is important and want my partner to know this as well. Not just to marry because it’s the “next step” or it’s been long enough so why not.  I also feel many women carry resentment into their marriage. Their partners took their time asking for this commitment from her and she felt it could have been sooner. Over-time people can change like the weather and it affects you as well if your with this person. There could be a job offer that’s great for him but you're not willing to leave your job, family, money and stability for HIS career. You both agreed 100% before marriage on everything listed above and that you want kids but you're willing to wait a few years after marriage and traveling a bit while he wants a child six months to a year afterwards. Things and people change!

You have many men after a while or before even asking that feel they would be missing something or freedom is “gone” for some reason…what? Smh. Your married, not going to prison lol. You’re spending the rest of your life with someone you love and care about, not going into an arranged marriage. Lastly, if that’s how you feel, just don’t ask her or anybody to marry you then… duh! As stated, just goes to show people make things more difficult than they really have to be. If your partner is going in with that attitude, you will go into the next situation with your guard up. No one wants to be that person. Love is supposed to make you open to new things, it’s supposed to feel good when new and even after. Not to be the person who’s closed off and guarded because of being that open in the past and failing. Many men have this thing where they feel this way (listed above) and will wait 7 plus years to ask/make that commitment. It’s like they’re bracing themselves for marriage with this person knowing they don’t want to lose them but not fully ready for the REST of their lives to deal with this person’s flaws. Women are more open to it. A glass of wine/mojito and girl talk cures everything sometimes lol. Just go in light hearted and happy!

All of those things and more could put a strain on the marriage and fill either you or your partner with regret, resentment, anger (angry black woman lol), sadness, confusion and feeling hopeless. Thus looking forward to moving on and living without them eventually. I honestly don’t think that’s something I ever want to deal with. You can’t help the change in someone over-time. It’s life, it happens and you can’t help certain things that happen in life but I feel things can be prevented...by not getting married lol!

Happy union’s to all!!!

To The Entrepreneur

Being your own boss and becoming a business owner is a dream for most people in the world! To manage the way you see fit especially if coming from a background of managers who didn’t know what they were doing, put their energy into their favorite employees, or creating the word asshole to be a new personality trait by definition alongside hard-working, determined, or motivated. You have the opportunity to treat people how they deserve to be treated, pay is fair and reasonable (you know they can actually live life), and you love the smiles people have with good personable customer service. Growing into something and maybe even global is the goal. You’re a hard worker and want the people who work for you to embody that same trait. What most don’t realize is it’s a trickle down effect. If your employees see you behave and treat people a certain way, they will do the same. There’s certain characteristics and a level of “humble” one should have. I’ve seen a lot of the opposite. You ever happen to be out shopping or just getting some air and go past small boutiques. You look inside and the employee at the register or desk is on the phone texting or talking and there is no one shopping… Bad for business!!! Now don’t get me wrong, I live for someone doing their own thing and trying to build their brand but it won’t happen while doing the things listed above. Period. You will not get my money either, sorry. When I walk into a store, no matter where it’s located, I feel I, the paying customer, should be greeted. And not just greeted because you feel you have too but because you are welcoming my business/money and a possible return and referral. Here in Philly, I know those who are from here are familiar with the Chestnut St. and South St. stores.

Yes, the demographics change but professionalism and being a good boss should not. As the boss of the boutique or franchise, you lead by example! So I don’t blame the employees when things look sloppy, I blame the Boss/CEO, Manager or Assistant Managers of the world for that behavior. Even if it’s a “problem employee” who won’t follow the rules and do what they want, I still blame you (boss). They should have been replaced after the first conversation. The thing that bothers me is becoming friends with your employees! Like who the hell made this a “law”??? I’ve been in too many boutiques from here, Baltimore, and New York to always hear the CEO and Store Manager are besties...why? There’s no way I’m hiring my best friend or family member to help me run my business or nor will I become friends with that person. Doing COMPANY things together is one thing but having dinner and drinks regularly outside of work is a no no for me. I’ve seen far too many who take advantage of being the bestie and have one of three problems: 1.) She really has no clue to what she is doing but because the boss trusts her or that’s her friend, she has that mentality of “I can run the business how I choose when she’s not here.” 2.) She then becomes friends with the employees and let them do whatever they want. Take off work for odd reasons, not acknowledging the clients when arriving to shop, or taking her side over a customer's side when there is conflict. 3.) Has favoritism and will pick and choose who she wants to work with when she works instead of which personality fits a specific time period for clients throughout the day. Alll bad for business traits that I see too often.

Now my personal experience is the same but a little different. It lasted for about a month before I realized that I was good. It was working for a Real Estate Company and since that’s what I’m trying to get into, I felt it was an awesome opportunity and good start. Why not right? I was going to be the Office Assistant/Administrative, it was a black owned business/company and not too far from my house...perfect and finally because Plymouth meeting and King of Prussia was a hike. Everything was cool except for the pay which was a bit odd for the position. I knew how much I was going to get paid but she stated there were bonuses involved so it would be like I was making more money. I wasn’t too concerned due to being more focused on the experience. First bad thing was not having a key to the building yet and getting a text stating the Office Coordinator aka the owner's mother, was going to be 20 minutes late….after me already standing out there for 10 minutes longer than I should have in the cold. When she pulled up, her excuse nonchalantly was she wanted to try and get her phone fixed because it was acting up…. I wanted to punch her in the forehead like excuse you!?? Smh. Then she (mother) was 50 years old speaking like a 20 year old around the way chick with the lip smacking, constantly touching her hair and looking at her nails as if they were going to change colors or something!  I was confused. I don’t know anybody who wants their mother speaking or acting like that! Bye lady. Anyway the agents were lazy and not bringing in any money meaning those so called bonuses were never going to happen due to that! No one said anything until after I took the position. There was no signage, sticker in the window, email or phone anywhere on the building...in a predominately white neighborhood with the people in the area walking in asking what we were. Basically trying to figure out what the hell 5 black people were doing in an unmarked building.

The owner: supposedly had another location in Atlanta but never spoke about it, would go to the office to pray in the morning before opening, rarely interacted with us unless there was a task in mind, would change softwares every week after getting used to the previous and her children would come in after school randomly throughout the week during business hours because they were locked out the house which was 10 minutes away. Oh and I guess because I quit, she has yet to pay me. The building was nowhere near finished inside so we were working in the middle of that whenever he came to fix or do anything. It was just an annoying experience and I vowed to not work for another “start-up” again. I honestly felt she was one of those companies that use people to get where they want to be financially. Like you help her build and make money but just put “Real Estate Company” as the title. She has yet paid another guy that worked there as well and he was fired due to not doing his job “correctly”. When in that case, he was there a whole 3 months before I was...if he wasn’t doing anything correctly, it was due to whomever taught him (the job being his first real estate job) and he should have been fired. To drag it out that long made no sense. This will all bite her in the ass though. The guy she fired was doing things that only a licensed individual should have been doing and he was not with license. She could lose her business and then owe myself and him the money she owes and then some. That has me wondering how can you be so religious but treat people in this way?? I know it happens but come on. Bad for business but you live and you learn and she will find out soon.

On that note, anybody that’s a boss should always get the knowledge needed before opening a business! Just having an idea and the money is not nearly the half! It’s something so simple yet business’ close everyday due to not making enough money because of the many reasons listed above. Especially if it’s advertised properly, a business people will need or benefit from and you’re the only one listed in a particular area...bring on the money!

To privately owned business’ doing better this year!!!

That Old Thang

We all have had that one person that made you crazy in a sense. Phone call for hours when not near them, you hear the phone ring or vibrate and you secretly wish it was them, all of your free time and conversation was this person. It made your girlfriends sick to their stomachs but you could care less! Lol. You were in love or lust or like or whatever and loved the feeling. It was like eating chocolate, sipping your favorite wine, or watching your favorite love/romantic movie that you knew all the words too. You have watched it a thousand times and would a thousand more because you liked it that much. It was like being in middle school or high school again. When you skipped homework to talk on the phone about nothing. Like going to school and seeing him in the hallway switching classes or first thing in the morning and it puts a smile on your face even when not a morning person lol. Ya’ll would fight, argue or disagree, not talk for a few days but then pick back up where you left off like nothing happened. When not speaking to this person, it’s frustrating because you long for his call. Then something goes wrong, you get older, more mature, your messed up about it, eventually move on...but then look back years later and think “what the f**k was I thinking?! That was him.

It was long distance for a period of time. We did the back and forth thing...wouldn’t say relationship but it worked for me. I wasn’t looking and he was doing “his thing” which was fine. He would come home to visit from time to time and it was either we seen each other or we didn’t. Before he moved out of state, we were together but I called it off. Women's intuition was telling me something wasn’t right and I went with it. I expressed this concern and it didn’t go well. He said if there was anymore I was looking for or if I wasn’t happy, go. So I went. Low and behold a few months after on the phone, he told me if he was going to be with anyone at that time, it was between myself and someone else... soooo where the hell she come from?? As a typical woman, my mind began to race! I was semi jealous, confused, hurt and had the overall feeling of not being enough. Yes, I called it off but something just didn’t feel right. I wasn’t the girl to “stress” over a dude but I was borderline there. I can’t recall asking any questions until a couple of years ago.

It was the typical catch up convo: how you been, how’s life, how’s the family, etc. So of course, that was the prime opportunity to ask the questions I’ve never asked. People are usually a bit more open and honest. He told me they were engaged, they have a daughter and moved out of state near DC somewhere together. When things didn’t work out, he moved back here, let her keep the house, bought another place of his own,  bought her a car and made sure she was good because she had his daughter. When we broke up, I can’t recall getting a phone call about anything in life lol! But he was in love and it showed through our conversation and I was happy was for him to have experienced that. I told him to make it work next time around and that getting back with her sounded like an awesome idea. He neglected the idea but I felt it needed to be said. I felt like he was trying to make his way back in the way he has done in the past. That was our thing for almost 4 years and it became the norm. We always knew either one would be there waiting until somebody was single...but it wasn’t that way this time. I could hear the disappointment in his voice but what did he expect? These guys want their cake and want to eat it too!

I used to think what it be like with him long-term... I would question if I was in love or not or if I just loved him at that time. It was clear I was not good enough for the name he had almost given someone else but I always felt God had someone else in mind for me and not to worry. It was hard to hear that but I’ve done my share of playing and he was a toy at some point. I treated him like a yoyo and put him in the box when I got tired of playing with him. He did the same though but I did it better. Women normally do. He admitted that at that time he regretted us ever getting to that point of no return but life goes on. I used to hear a song, watch a movie or go to a certain neighborhood and think of this person. Even the up and down and back and forth didn’t matter when it comes to the heart. I looked back and I began thinking that I’ve wasted my time! He wasn’t all that cute and he wasn’t what I would date anyway (neck roll)  lol. It wasn’t really about “looks” but I needed an excuse to rely on at that time due to my immaturity when dating. Of course it was a learning experience but you get sick of dating the guy in the “immature” phases of his life. That’s where he was when I was around anyway. I’m glad he moved on from it...so have I. Cheers to growth and maturity!

Cheater Cheater

It felt good. To be wanted, held, and looked at as if you were the most beautiful women in the world. To be wined and dined, treated like a queen and then the grand finale. At first you felt super uncomfortable and knew that karma was nothing to play with. He knew as well but went along with his inhibitions without a care for your feelings or the life you guys were building. He caressed your body and it brought you back to the present moment which was love but not the typical. He made you feel safe and like he could keep your heart out of harms way. You knew this was all in your mind because you were emotional and emotions in a women could be a bad or great thing depending on what was going on in her life at the moment.

You began to think why you were there in the first place. Was it strictly emotional or were you just sick of the blocked calls to your phone, him hiding the phone when walking into a room, the too much needed “alone time”, his boys being more important or just the lack of respect for the relationship as a whole? Either way, dude was making you feel like the biggest whore but you were on top of the world (literally lol) and he had a way of making those bad thoughts and feelings disappear. Why didn’t you just leave? Well your decision is to leave but wanted to get this out the way first, you know, as a way of making him feel like shit. You finding out about the “other woman” hurt to no end but felt like things could still work… Silly girl, once a cheater, always a cheater. He’s told you how he cheated in the past but reassured that it was the past and he was done. He wanted to “man up” and be in a mature relationship. So how was it this girl/women made him decide otherwise?

You weren’t one for competition but at that moment and on that day, you definitely had one up on him. This man was gorgeous inside and out. It wasn’t about how he was built, his complexion, the way he looked at you or how he treated you. It was more about how he made you feel, how he lived his life, how he embodied all around the kind of man he wanted to be and embraced the man he was in the present. Basically realizing he had flaws but working to be a better man. He came with minimal bullshit and secured his life so that himself or family didn’t want for anything. He was willing to give that to you as well...but you needed to drop the current situation. You weighed the pros and cons. Pros: no bullshit, respect, treated like a queen, have fun with him, be with a family man, career driven and all around awesome person. Cons: stay in the current situation, dealing with whatever issues the new guy brings, deal with trust issues with the current, share the current with other women, getting to know someone new all over again, being put last from the current and being unhappy. This was an easy decision hands down but he ultimately has your heart. This is a dangerous thing for a women with whom is not logical and thinks SOLELY with her heart. But that wasn’t being done at the time because you were enjoying the body of another man.

Waking up the next morning your decision is made: your going to stay and act as if nothing happened. You feel stupid for letting the “good guy” slip away but don’t actually let him slip away. You keep him around until he wants something different, then on to the next. You figured he will also have his bullshit with him that he just hasn’t shown yet and you weren’t willing to take that step...yet. So you decide to “stay” with your comfort zone. You know him and everything that comes with him and regardless of what you go through or deal with, you know for a fact that stepping out now won’t be an issue. Since you know his patterns, you work around those to do what you want to do and come home like nothing happened. He does it, so why shouldn’t you? He can stay out all night so why can’t you? He can have his alone time, funny ways, sleep with her, her and her, come home as if nothing happened...you can as well. Especially if you’re going to stay with him. You guys aren’t married and have no children so you figure, I’m going to rock out until the wheels fall off. You were sick of the double standard with men and felt that if a grown man can play and do dumb shit, as a grown woman with needs not being met, I can as well.

It’s stupid but when the person you want doesn’t want you wholeheartedly and not willing to do the work, it does something to most women and they began to have doubts about love and play, start to like it and play some more. They may love this person a lot but just like men say when cheating, it means nothing, it’s just sex, right?;)