Monday, September 5, 2016

8

I tend to get a little emotional this time every year since as it gets closer to the date. Do I feel bad...no, so why I get emotional, I have no clue. Do I wish it never happened? Sometimes. Was I simply looking out for self in the long run? Selfish? Of course. I often wonder where I would be and if I would deal with life differently than I already do. Would I be tougher than I already Am or would I have become more of a softy. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was working at a doctor's office at the time and was cool with a spanish woman named Mary. She’s been there way longer than I have and knew ways around things and the people that worked in the office. I spoke with her about feeling weird, nauseous, and over-all not myself. She worked her magic, spoke with a few nurses to stall and came back with what I needed. About 15 minutes later, a long 15 minutes at that, I seen the magical pink plus sign. I immediately went into “hell naw I’m not ready mode” and did what I knew was best in the long run. Even though it was my fault for getting in this situation, I took it as a learning experience.

A quick text letting the guy I was dating at the time know that I couldn’t do it and I needed half. Simple as that. He was a typical “nigga” with the typical nigga mentality and I was the girl who seen beyond that but realized when it wasn’t seen in himself, it was time to let go. I spoke to God about giving me a sign of who he really was or to prove that he was indeed NOT that guy but… I was wrong. Now I’m not saying that having the abortion was God’s sign but simply how dude handled my words and did not respect my decision. I broke down to him about our individual situations and how yes I had my own place and job but a child did not fit into the financial equation on either parts. Even just saying those simple words and him just focused on a “baby” and having a child, showed the immaturity I hoped to not have seen. I knew it would be a long road that wasn’t worth the struggle at that moment. I honestly never want that for myself or any woman to be a single mother doing everything for this little person on your own 24/7. Things happen but if I can control it or change that, I take advantage knowing it may not come around again. He was faaarrrr from ready and I was beyond stupid to go that route with that type of guy. I knew the consequences but just had to test the waters and see for myself. What a slap in the face. I then seen the mental of women in this position: you want to make it work, he wants a baby and you’re willing to give knowing he’s the wrong person but hoping to see change, you get pregnant, baby is born, you still keep faith in this person to be around after birth but quickly see your faults when baby comes home and all joy comes from family and friends. Not the person who helped with this creation. Thus becoming a single mother.

Literally a week later and a week before my birthday (21), I was on the chopping block. I guess I can be so candid about it now because it’s far from over and the strong emotional part of it was done as well. I remember going in and talking a mile a minute to the doctor while getting drugged while he told jokes to distract me. Before going there, they torture you by telling you how far along you are and the possible due date (6 weeks, October/ November). I guess just in case you change your mind, I don’t know. After it was over, I woke up very drowsy and heard the chatter of nurses around me and looking over to my right and seeing a girl I’ve known since middle school...crazy how small the world is at times. I remember walking out and seeing my first boyfriend there ready to take me home. He was my rock throughout the entire process of me finding out etc. He actually fronted the money to me due to the guy not wanting any parts and was paid the next pay check.

The week I had off after, I sulked, never cried but was just down and slept a lot. Mainly because of the physical pain. I didn’t even feel bad about losing him and if anything, it was good riddens. I felt like a loser for getting it done, having to miss money from work and having ever dealing with him for as long as I did. I was in school at the time, just turned 21 and couldn’t even enjoy it. Think that’s why I went out so much after that was over. It was my way of venting. I think I finally got this off my chest to prove to women that doing what’s best for YOU should always come first. I know they have the protests and the anti-abortion commercials but I was young and made a mistake that I felt couldn’t be fixed any other way. I felt I could have carried and have adoption as an option but would feel obligated to keep and get too attached. Should always start from the beginning by wearing condoms especially at the early twenty ages! This is when you have fun and enjoy life and not go through something so life changing. Take all necessary precautions to protect yourself physically, financially and emotionally. I see too many girls and women and girls that need women in their lives have babies for these guys while they skip on responsibility and ease on down the road to the next girl willing to play dumb. She may not play at all and just need guidance in the right direction of the man she needs in her life instead of the one she wants. I can honestly say though sometimes the girl/woman who looks the most put together and seems to have everything figured out, always fails in a certain area in life. She’s human. I’m human.

*The significance of even the smallest things to some could mean so much more to the next person. The number 8 does that for me. This would be his/her year to celebrate that with me.*