My small bucket list

My “Bucket” List...thus far

• Travel around the world. So typical but it’s rare that many get to do this in their life.
• Sex on the beach with black sand. Lol I know, a bit much but it’s rare to see a beach with black sand. With my husband of course and while the sun sets.
• To play the piano fluently. The piano is my favorite instrument. Took a class in high school but didn’t last long enough.
• Learn another language. The language of choice is Italian. I want to speak and write it.
• Build my home from the ground up. I would love to say “I helped do this” on the entire home from the inside out. All modern amenities, walk in shower, marble floors and my own room to read, listen to music, tune out the world and collect my thoughts. Something to tell my children some day.
• To ride a motorcycle. I love bikes and cars but scared to death to ride one because of the terrible accidents I hear about. I want to stop girling, get on and just go. Ride all the way on the e-way with no destination. Purple and black to be exact.
• A road trip. Possibly to Los Angeles, stay for a week and drive back. A lot, yes but if with the right people, it will be worth it. Plenty of pictures, laughs, frequent stops, sightseeing, and fun.
• Learn to swim. I know, I know. I just have not ever been a water person and anything above my head is off limits. And I'm not very tall! But if I want to do this, I have to face my fear of this and go for it. Weird that I would do jet skiing but only because my body is not actually in the water the entire time.
• An awesome body at 60. Lol funny yes but recently seen so many pictures of older women with bodies better than chicks my age. Clearly we are doing something wrong. Overall just want to be healthy and it shows.
• Snowmobiling. I hate traveling in the snow for work but if I was on vaca or it was a snow day during the school year, I was out in the snow. So snow activities, if not too cold, is up my alley.
• Very big natural hair. Transitioned into natural almost 3 years ago and so far has been the longest process but better than perms. My ideal hair is very big sexy hair so that when I rod it up, it has a nice wave to it. Still getting used to the every week shampoo or co-wash, deep conditioner process but it’s well worth it. When I’m old and grey, I want to wear my hair like this also.

I’m pretty simple and it’s not much but would love to have the opportunity to do all or any of these at some point. Focusing on the negative and the just getting by mentality you miss the little things in life that make you or will either make you happy.  

Robin

Life without my mother, like my brother she was there first

Almost killed a nigga when I thought about that damn hearse

Like mama why yu playin hurt?

I thought that she was sleepin

Then I played her favorite song

3 minutes long

It ain't work

Feelin so hurt inside

This pain I feel can't be described

Please Someone look me in my eyes n tell me this is life

Imagine losing ya only child n ya wife

Shit ain't right

Prolly take back all the bad in ya life

For ya wife

N ya only child who's the main reason behind yo smile

We should really lift the dead up

Dey ain't the ones to be afraid of

It's the ones alive who betray us

Happens to everyone

Guess I gotta keep my head up 😔💔

This was something my lil cousin wrote about how he felt after his mother passed, my cousin. She left us Monday September 22, 2014. I will never forget my aunt crying on my voicemail letting me know what happened or reading the text my sister sent letting me know she passed. It was approximately 3 or 4 something that morning when it happened and I'm just glad she wasn't alone when she went. Of course my family did what any family would do, we gathered at her house that morning and reminisced about when they were younger and who she was as a person.  That was literally the longest car ride I had to take. My aunt is dear to me and seeing her cry so much made the day even worse. She is the tough aunty. The one that will get drunk and curse everybody out from the newborn to the grown with no problem. Lol. But she was always honest and true to how she felt about you. This is how you know theres nothing like pain and being hurt. It's crazy how family mostly only get together when things like this happen but it felt good to support one another.

Robin was definitely my aunt's child. Could be sweet as pie but would fight you in a heart beat. Lol. She was a breath of fresh air and when we didn't want to be home on the weekend and just wanted something to do, we would all go to her house and stay. She allowed us to stay up all hours of the night, always cooked, and let us eat whatever we wanted. A childs dream! She had a lot of pride. Did not walk out the house without her hair done, always had her nails done, wasn’t a make-up chick but was girly in her own right. Robin always a had a funny story to tell! Constantly making fun of my aunt and uncle, her sisters, my sisters and myself or her kids. If you needed anything and she had it, you had it. I remember her playing one of her favorite songs, Anything by Jaheim featuring Next over and over again lol. She would play the hell out of a song until you knew every word, verse, hook and bridge. Typical Aries, she spoke her mind and could care less about how anyone felt. Period.

She now has a new granddaughter that was born almost a month after her passing. She will never get to meet the person we all knew and loved or to be spoiled by her the way she spoiled her two eldest grands. I will never forget her laying there, gone, as we waited for her body to be taken. I literally sat by myself in her kitchen and watched as they brought her body down wrapped up as that was the last time I seen her physically. The most depressing part was my aunt staying in my cousins bedroom and watched from the window as they took her middle child away. That same day she was cremated. I will always and forever miss my cousin and yes it gets easier over-time but this is still the hard part. I guess she is the reason I have not wrote anything for awhile on here. My mind was consumed with other things.

R.I.P I love you.

The ways and drama with Women

There will always be that point in life you will have to realize who your true friends are and the family that actually act like blood. Especially with women. Somebody always feels some type of way about something another has done, cliques began to form, and backbiting is never at a minimum. Chicks are not upfront about much but have no problem discussing another woman. So therefore, you have no problem discussing me either with this person your talking about to me….see how that works. One minute you guys are tight. That's your right hand, ya'll go shopping together, she’s in your home, around your man, other friends, your family or whatever but yet this is the main one who will make you feel like shit at the drop of a dime. When I say this, I mean by being petty over little things when you thought she was more mature, will argue you down or fight you for a man that's not even hers, will discuss your life to people you don’t even know and yet somehow it always gets back to you or to someone you know and they have to be the ones to tell you how she really feels.

Side note: I have not ever been a product of my environment so speaking a certain way, carrying myself a certain way, the kind of men I chose to deal with, and the way I viewed things was different than theirs (family, friend) so I was judged. I didn’t have a baby father to sit and discuss, a man who was locked up, I could care less about my old dudes new girlfriend or how she looked, I never cared about another chicks man, and never went to another girls house because we were dealing with the same guy...he was dismissed right after. It’s not my fault that I just made better decisions with my life since I’m the one living it but people would make it seem as if you look down on them. Sounds like a personal issue. I don’t speak or associate with everybody “around the way” due to drama and the lack of patience I have for it so that makes me uptight, ignorant, or stuck up. I guess. My solution: fuck em. Many women experience this everyday and feel they have to explain themselves on who they are as an individual. A good, chill, laid back woman can’t just be this with certain neighbor’hoods’ in urban areas. She has to be the “typical” with every issue under the sun and everybody has to know her business or know who she is to have something to talk about. Now that I’m done with that…

With many female family members, it’s a lot worse and you’re better off being around people off the street! Since they have the tendency to know more of your business through auntie such and such, your mother, and cousin crystal, they will use that against you in a heart beat. They judge faster and will side with their neighbor before you and the neighbor don’t even like them. They will make you feel like the worst person in the world if you can’t help them with something financially forgetting or not caring that you have a household and other bills of your own to maintain. And lets not forget about the fact of them talking about you like a dog. I can see this from someone that doesn’t know you but not blood. I’ve heard many female family members from my own and others say how they don’t mess with another female family member for no absolute reason at all. Like not even have spoken, converse, or spent any time but because of how she carries herself, has her own, and doing okay if not good, she think she the shit? Well maybe she is if thats the case. Everybody has issues but deal with them differently than others. Know this and the world would be better place.

Over the years, I have made my mistakes and would have considered myself and still do consider myself a work in progress. I’ve become distant from people who I was tight with and never made amends and not because I didn’t care but because I did not notice it being done at first. I at some point seen a change in them towards me so I acted instead of inquiring. But did these people say anything, no. So who was really in the wrong? I was the reacher at one point. I would reach out and see how people are doing, how their parents were etc and often did not receive that in return. But it’s funny because people will tell you how they feel about you without saying anything. As stated earlier. I would try and make plans with a friend and things never worked out but there was always a million pictures with them out with other people or friends. I was the excuse maker like “maybe it’s our jobs or just plain scheduling conflicts”. Lol yeah, think I made my point. Anyway, I would, as many others view themselves, as a good person and friend but have been used, walked on often, and ignored so a wall has been put up. Being quiet, nice, and passive aggressive was the main reason I was taken advantage of. Has it made me another person, no but definitely made me stronger, more outspoken, and made me develop a more nonchalant attitude than I have before. Not all good things but it worked out for the best for myself. Take it or leave it. A lot of women don’t realize they make you who you are and will be the main person talking about the person you turned out to be and how you’ve changed. Funny right. Us women nine times out of ten don’t know how to just be. It does not always have to be drama or something going on to communicate with one another and be good. Of course not speaking on every single woman in the world but you get my point.

Side "piece" and the dilemma

At one point this was just something temporary, to have someone different outside of your man/woman. It was exhilarating and gave you a rush to even get attention from someone else in that way. The way they touch you, smile at you, make you feel you can be yourself good or bad and makes you forget about the headaches going on in life. Many people would say it made their relationships last longer or made it better. Maybe you realized you weren’t ready to settle down and were just used to dating but didn’t want to let them go. Maybe the sex is better, you guys have more in common, or maybe this is the person you run to when your partner is tripping or just getting on your nerves. You could be the side piece’s side piece, it could be insecurity issues, or maybe you’re looking for more of what you’re not getting. What happens if the side piece catches feelings? What happens if you do?

The funny thing about most “side relationships” is the person doing the cheating treats this person better than their “main”...yeah I have always been confused about that. If that’s the case then move on and stay with the side piece and live happily ever after. Of course this rarely happens because the one doing the cheating, wants their cake and eat it too. To be free spirits without the consequences. The cheater will make all the time in the world for their side piece without knowing it and leave the one at home on hold constantly wondering. I know you can’t help to whom you fall for but to a certain extent it makes me wonder, where is the respect for your relationship? For this person as an individual? Why do people insist on leading others on after this person’s emotions and heart are involved? Is this for excitement?

It’s funny and yet sad because with the women who are successful in life, lower their standards or “dumb” themselves down to be with a man. Usually a guy feels that since home is taken care of: bills paid, mortgage paid, suburban living, nice home, she has a car, sex whenever he wants it and sometimes how, they may have children together, and she gets whatever she wants, that its okay for him have other women…..or woman...a.k.a ”The side chick”. So I have wondered many times how these “type” of chicks feel knowing this. Of course they don’t feel bad because they wouldn’t continue to deal with him or even look twice if they knew he was taken or cared. But then the question at hand is who is the one actually lowering her standards? The side chick or the main? Or both? Honestly I say both.

In all actually, as far as personality, people show their true colors not too long after you meet them. When it becomes serious, some may show this side up to a year. At that point its up to you to decide if you want to deal or keep it moving. With that said, the main chick about 90% of the time knows what kind of man she is dealing with from the gate. Whether he's a flirt, all around cheater and with anything in a skirt, a gentlemen, all around asshole, selfish etc. You just know. Women don’t have women's intuition for no reason. So sometimes the main chick at one point was the side chick. He may not have had other women he was dealing with but everything else under the sun could have been his priority and not her. Just so happens he got comfortable with the main chick and decided it was not enough and went looking for more of what he thought he was missing.

The side piece has a woman's intuition as well but rarely uses it. She usually waits in the background playing her role. She notices him coming around when he’s horny and the main is out with friends or on vaca. She may know that things won’t work out in her favor every time she wants to see and be around this person. Instead of getting out of a hurtful situation, they stay for the benefits that come with it. She doesn’t have to deal with the emotional attachment, scheduled phone calls and texts, he has no authority over her meaning she can date whomever and whenever, no commitment and she is still taken care of financially (to an extent) and sexually. Sounds like a deal right? I guess but at some point, she is going to want more and want the luxuries the main chick is granted with on a regular basis depending on how long she’s been around. The kids, calling and texting whenever something good or bad happens, quality time, sharing a home, PDA, money for her own business, different cars and driving his, knowing the fam and close friends, cookouts, and double dates. But most of all his heart. These things will make anybody without a love of their own envious. May not seem like a lot but in her eyes and heart, she’s not getting that and will want that eventually. Then what? She makes herself known in some way and many cause rift and confusion in the life and relationships of the one they want leaving him with an ultimatum. Why do people still get involved in these situations is beyond me but to each its own.

Love letter to Love

Thank you. You have allowed people to be happy and actually feel it. Allowed people to have that emotional attachment that will make them do anything for the ones they adore. Gave those who have done wrong a second chance to have you in their lives and to feel you in every bone and not just the heart or smile. You have the ability for distance to never be an issue because you’re in heart and mind. Bringing children into the world and to actually have those that feel you inside and out before giving themselves away inside and out. True adoration are the grandparents who never seem to age and even after they raise their children, raise their grandchildren giving nothing but wisdom and all of you. Bringing families together for Sunday dinner or just a Tuesday night movie discussing life and goals. Giving hope to the men and women who feel you have failed them early on in life and allowing them to open their minds and hearts again to you.

You are powerful and almost like a drug, addictive even. Once people get a taste of you, they look for you again and again until being fully satisfied. You’re the reason people date and they have all kinds of apps/websites such as Tinder and eharmony for those looking for you. To feel the warmth you bring, a glow that never fades and knowing you have someone with you every step of the way. Bragging on social media of new babies, new partners, new homes or cars is the norm when wanting to show off the things they have the most adoration for. Pictures say a thousand words. Creating a strong bond between friends that lasts a lifetime through ups and downs, kids, marriages and relationships. People have the tendency to trust when you are around. They gain faith, hope often, wish more, trust God and learn to rely on self when not able to rely on others. The biggest problems many people have going through life.

I have personally learned to adore me more over the years whether good or bad. My mood swings (hey not my fault), loving nature, willingness to help those who need it, accepting people for who they are, my silliness around those that know me best, my randomness, conversation about anything, willingness to learn, love those who love me, straight forward, quiet, and often in my own world. That's just me. People will try to bring you down about the person you are because you’re not the person they want you to be or expect you to be. That's fine but I’m good on that. I have learned to adore those around me more. Friends, Family and my love and dismiss those who are not for me. You have confirmed to me awhile back that it was okay to adore ME enough to let them go and move on with life. That I will find happiness elsewhere and have.

So to love, I appreciate you and I’m sure other do as well. Keep being you and giving people a reason be themselves, to smile and to use you unconditionally.

One of my favorite quotes

• Today I can complain because the weather is rainy or I can be thankful that the grass is getting watered for free.
• Today I can feel sad that I don’t have more money or I can be glad that my finances encourage me to plan my purchases wisely and guide me away from waste.
• Today I can grumble about my health or I can rejoice that I’am alive.
• Today I can lament over all that my parents didn’t give me when I was growing up or I can feel grateful that they allowed me to be born.
• Today I can cry because roses have thorns or I can celebrate that thorns have roses.
• Today I can mourn my lack of friends or I can excitedly embark upon a quest to discover new relationships.
• Today I can whine because I have to go to work or I can shout for joy because I have a job to do.
• I can complain because I have to go to school or I can eagerly open my mind and fill it with rich new tidbits of knowledge.
• Today I murmur dejectedly because I have to do housework or I can feel honored because the Lord had provided shelter for my mind, body, and soul.
• Today stretches ahead of me, waiting to be shaped
• And here I’am, the sculptor who gets to do the shaping
• What today will be like is up to me

The battle within

• Weight issues- you feel you’re too heavy or over-weight and just trying to keep up with the video models and actresses. Or even just everyday people. Feel a big booty and a size 8 is the perfect size to get attention. (feeling of being over-looked)   

• Childhood issues- you were either teased or bullied. You were a loaner and wasn’t good at making friends. People didn’t accept you for who you were even when genuine.This then carried on later in life. (feeling of loneliness)
• Family issues- There was either constant bickering, arguing, name calling, and no affection. They didn’t show any support, you never sat at the table to eat dinner and were not very close.  One or both was all about career and you rarely seen them when you needed them most. (abandonment issues)
• Skin Complexion- you have a beautiful dark, olive or light skinned complexion and people love it but for some reason you struggle with accepting you for you. You often put yourself down and feel you could look better (self-hatred vs self-confidence)
• Blunt/outspoken- speaking your mind is a good thing but you never know when to press the pause/stop button. People often can’t handle the truth. (to speak truth or bite thy tongue)
• Pessimistic- Negative nelly. Always shining a negative light on things and can’t see the good in anything. You’ve lived in bad neighborhoods growing up and surrounded yourself with like-minded individuals. You always tried your best but always felt success was not within reach. (psychology vs surroundings)
• Too nice- people often take advantage of you and you wonder if they really like you for you or just what you are willing to do for them...

Everyone has a battle they deal with at some point in life. Whether you’re taking things day by day or simply one step at a time, nobody is living the perfect life. If so it may seem that way on the outside. People have the tendency to make things worse for you and what you’re battling with. They often criticize and say you’re too skinny, that you need to lose weight, ask why are you so negative or why are you so nice to people that don’t deserve it. People tend to not care about figuring out where it comes from and why, you know, the real question they should be asking. It makes you feel bad and maybe even worthless in a sense that you are not what people want you to be. It’s more so sad even because you never know someones story but will judge at the drop of a dime. It begins to mess with your mental and emotions until you want the pain to go away.This is when self-harm comes into play or drugs, alcohol abuse and just no longer caring for self. People will abandon their child/children, steal from the ones that love them, and have babies with men/women who care nothing about them but show them all the love in the world. They feel the high from the drugs, alcohol or pills will take them away from the pain long enough to cope better but it makes it worse and often leads to death.

There are all types of individuals that are still not accepted completely within society. I can see the 50’s or 60’s but in 2014 it’s still unbelievable. Gay men and women, whether people want to accept it or not. Their battle, not being accepted still and are thought to not be normal wanting another man or woman. They often get the we are disgusted looks. Straight women will look at a pretty girl whom is gay or bi and think she is too pretty to be with another woman or will look at a gay man and think the same thing. Individuals who date outside their race is another group. Their battle, they are judged and looked at like its just about money and being taken care of. My thing is a man within my race can do the same thing...so what are you really saying about a man within my race? I don’t look at it like they feel it’s better but some people probably had bad experiences dating within their race and decided on something different/new. There is nothing wrong with that but you would have thought they didn’t like their race at all the way people look at the situation. Relax and let them do them unless they are completely bashing their own race then make an issue. The roles men and women play within the household to a certain extent is not accepted. Many men or older women feel the woman's place is at home. Now the woman may not agree with this but will comply because she loves and wants to be with this man. Her battle, wanting independence and some control over the finances as well instead of all decisions being on him. She can always leave but will question if it’s worth completely leaving and throwing the relationship away. If the role is the other way around and the woman was the breadwinner, his battle is he will be looked at as less of a man. Some women have the tendency to belittle a man when he can’t do his part in the relationship.

It’s a struggle to walk around like everything is okay and yet feel so much pain, non-acceptance, and confusion inside. You have to smile and be friendly at work and fake to get through the day and keep your job secure. You don’t want people asking what’s wrong and how can I help because they can’t. And believe me that gets annoying. It’s an issue that starts with you and your surroundings and ends with you. Whether you take the step to get better or do better and move on to the next battle or you stay fighting that same battle. The choice is yours.

Father's day

This day comes and goes by every year. I rarely feel any kind of way about it either. I’ve never met him and wish things were different with this situation but what can you do. Life goes on right. I wanted to find him and ask a lot of unanswered questions from the past 27 years. Like why weren’t you there, did I at some point matter to you at all, and what have you been up to all this time. But instead, I kept quiet and only went on google once typing in the name to see how many people popped up. Of course it was way too many and I’ve gotten discouraged afterwards. What was the point? Yes every little girl wants a relationship with their father but why should I be the one that has to take initiative? Why should I take time out of my day or life for that matter and look for you? Was I not worth it? Am I still not worth it? I didn’t ask to be here but now that I Am, it was your responsibility to man up and do what you had to for me.

It’s sad just having to rely on our mothers, grandmothers, aunts and uncles and 9 times out of 10, there are many I encounter that do not and have not ever had a relationship with their father. I guess you can say these are the real father figures. Whats crazy is they live in the same city and could see you waiting for a train or getting in your car and won’t beep, wave, or even acknowledge you. They may not even recognize you. I began to think a little deeper and compare to what goes on now with these girls/women having these babies by these nobodys. Then realized, what’s the point? Nothing has changed. Maybe he wasn’t a dead beat when you met him and promised to be there, maybe another woman was the cause of the rift between him and your mother, or maybe it was your mothers decision to keep you and he wasn’t ready for a child. No matter what it was, I wish these men would realize you have to be there. Once a woman is pregnant, it is solely her decision to keep the child but too often she wands up raising the child on her own. The “father figures” are always absent in life or just yours but will be with another woman and help her raise her children. They don’t even have to be married. I guess they are just shacking up or could be he needs a place to lay his head. Who knows.

Seems the only time they are present and want to be there is if you have children of your own some day. Like they just pop out of nowhere and want to be the perfect grand father or something. I don’t know if they are trying to make up for them not being there for you or just all of a sudden want to be present after you’ve grown into adulthood on your own knowing they are not obligated to do anything for you. Sometimes with certain situations they know they have to build a relationship with you to get closer to their grandchild. Using you in a sense but not actually wanting a relationship with you, their child.

Did I ever feel lost or still do, sometimes. Did I ever wish I could meet his side of the family to see where part of me came from, of course. These are thoughts I still have and wish things were different. Not many get to live and grow up in a 2 parent household and I definitely pray it works out for me to have this for my children.

I definitely salute the men who are there for their children and have been the entire time.

Just be

When was the last time you could just be?

Where your day was great, there was a smile on your face and everyone you ran into was friendly. People passing by smiled back at you and actually spoke saying good morning or good evening, whether you spoke first or not. The train ride was smooth and quiet or the bus had not a loud and rowdy individual in sight. Everyone actually wore headphones and were zoned out waking up to start their day. Your favorite coffee or tea spot flowed pretty quickly without delay and had the coffee cake muffin you were craving the night before. While at work, there were no complaints from clients, customers, patients or coworkers and your GM or store manager was either cool or took the day off. Everybody looks forward to these kind of days. The ride home from work was smooth and traffic seemed to flow a lot faster than it has in awhile. You heard your favorite songs on the radio whether it's smooth jazz, gospel, oldies, something new or even rock n roll or your playlists just played all the right things to keep you in an awesome mood. You danced in your car without a care in the world and the guy in the car next to you decided to do the same. Thus giving you the biggest laugh you've had all day! Finally arriving home to a quiet house and ready to play your music and cook the meat (chicken, steak, etc) you had marinating all day to give the flavor you craved since earlier that morning. The coronas have been chilling in the freezer all night and day or choice of wine is ready to be popped open and served. You then realize you've made it to 8pm and there wasn't the daily drama filled phone call from that person that refuses to see the good in anything or from your mother who wants to tell you what your sister has done...again. Catching a breeze on your front porch, back porch, by your pool, at your neighbors, or on your favorite sofa next to the window relaxes you. Making you appreciate the choice of drink even more as your day comes to a close. Your dry cleaning is done, clothing washed for the week, paperwork was finished before 11pm finally, and your clothes are picked out saving you time in the morning to get ready for work... 

This sounds like the perfect day to me but we all know 9 times out of 10, it doesn't happen as often as we like! I'm going to keep dreaming though (LOL).

Time

He has it all. The degree, career, dream home, dream living location, trips, friends that love him, family that adores him and a woman who's always by his side and would do anything for him. His negative, he has a problem with time for things outside of his career and more so with his woman. He is steady living for the future and not worried about or living for today. It’s cool he wants his future secure but it’s unnecessary to build on new relationships when they require time and attention you don’t have. Shes patient though. Keeping herself busy with her own career and working on smaller projects that takes her interests. He notices but instead of trying to make time for her in between what they are working on separately, he’s with friends. They both have a day off and he’s with long distant relatives or something chilling, eating, drinking and having a good time. Cool. She makes a few calls and have a day of her own and enjoys her day. No matter what she does though, she makes sure to call him or text to see how his day is going. He never does the same but she does not worry about that and knows when he has the time, she will see him. She tells him over and over they need to spend more time together and feels left out from his life. He still neglects how she feels and tells her he still wants to be with her and shes all he’s thinking about. She can’t see it. Time goes on and the same behavior continues and on her part she’s had enough. A movie night will turn into an half hour work call, a friend having girl issues that turns into a n hour conversation, date night will turn into one of the homies coming out to chill (and for the life of her, she can’t understand why anybody would want to be third wheel), and phone conversations they have get shorter and shorter. She begins to question why she is there and wasting her time? She realizes it’s time to move on, so without saying anything she does just that. He calls no answer, texts and no response and she is no longer asking to see him or spend something he clearly does not have. She still keeps space open for him in her day just in case space was all he needed and he notices to make more time for her, for them. When he finally realizes what’s going on, it’s too late. Shes moved on and is hurt behind it but know it’s for the best. He goes back and forth trying to figure out what went wrong and why she just disappeared without saying anything or voicing her opinions when she has time and time again. He just was not paying attention. But that was the norm. He learned he didn’t take his relationship or the time she presented to him seriously. He learns to hang up the phone, stop texting, emailing and hang up anything they had because it was over and he needed to move on.

Appreciate time and when someone wants to share this with you. You may never be able to get this back.

The Ring vs The Relationship

Ladies and gentlemen, would you rather focus on getting a ring from or for your partner OR focus on the connection between the two of you first and foremost?

Men and women have many different views on marriage and the “ring epidemic” is what I call it. Women have said they don’t care how much money he makes or what he does for a living, I want my ring. Is that all you’re concerned about? How about how you two feel for one another, matching goals, loves you unconditionally, makes you feel secure, happy and still keeps interest in you after many years of dating.  

So many women I have spoken to over the past year rush marriage and have specific times and ages when they want to elope. That’s fine but things never happen as planned. It’s kind of funny hearing the women that have children by their partner and are “shacking up” is what the old people call it. I feel like the conversation was never brought up from the beginning and they feel since there is a child involved, marriage should come soon after. I think women are so caught up in the “ring” more so because of what it symbolizes. To them it shows you’re no longer single, have a husband and not just a baby mother and shows stability to an extent. I guess they are more so scared of being stereotyped and put into a certain category that most women don’t want to be in and shun the woman who is. Something to gossip about honestly. Or is it their way of holding on to him? Feeling that marriage is the final step and he would have no choice but to stay around. There are a million ways to view the reasons on why an engagement ring is so important to a woman instead of why it should be important and why they rush this union.

Men want to be married by a certain age but will not rush it and have “other options” for a ring. A guy friend has stated that instead of buying an expensive ring, how about using the money to start a business of some sort. Made sense and I never actually thought about that. Receiving a cheaper ring and gaining a business of your own...not a bad idea. A few feel after knowing a woman for at least 5 years was the ideal time to get married. They feel you actually KNOW this person and can deal with the ups and downs of their attitude, are loyal, trustworthy and will be there for you no matter the circumstance. Men are pretty simple individuals but we woman look too much into things. When and if he feels you are the person for him, trust he will stick around and when the time comes he will propose marriage. Until then...chill out and enjoy the ride.

Happens too often

So you have moved on. There were angry words exchanged before you guys parted ways. Things between the two of you have not been good for awhile and you knew at some point this was going to happen. Of course it was the “typical guy” syndrome is what I call it. Disrespect, other woman/women, spending no time, feeling as if you are third or fourth to any and everything else in his life...you know the usual behavior a woman gets fed up over. You got it all off your chest whether it was disrespectful, mean, nasty, and veins popping out your neck, you were officially done. You find yourself thinking back to the past when things were good and you felt secure in the relationship, happy, and this was the only person you thought about throughout the day. He clearly felt the same way. So what along the lines changed that? Was it your attitude, your cooking, weight gain, communication was lost, single friends in his ear...what? You can't help but think what you could have done differently or if you will ever resolve and get back to when things were good. Women who care become very nostalgic right afterwards and dwell on the past to try and figure out where things went wrong. You began a long time ago to see his lost interest and unhappiness when around you. It hurted. He called less and less during the day and week while at work. You wondered. He became distant with feelings and things going on in his life outside of you. It became clear. Time goes on and months go by and you see this person again, in person. You act as if you don't see him because hes with his friends or family and become crushed when you see hes happy. He has that old smile back, laughing, joking and acting as if he doesn't see or care that you're there. Not that he's supposed to but he was the one who messed up so at least he can speak right? You find out from a friend or social media that he has someone new. Pictures all over his page, vacas they have taken, shes in with the fam and his close friends, they share a place and it seems he's at home more than ever. It was never like that between the two of you. So you began to think one of two things: that this is just the beginning phase of him because the two of you had all of the above or he really moved on and just happier than he was while with you. A hard pill to swallow because you felt you gave your best and he still hurt you but the new chick is all smiles from the first pic to the last. Maybe you two were not compatible, maybe he seen he wanted out but didn't say anything and just strung you along, maybe he didn't like you or maybe she was there all along.

It may not happen exactly like this but you get the idea.

Black woman.

Judged often. They see our stern faces, our attitudes, no nonsense, how outspoken we are, sexual being lacking intelligence, lacking education, loud, and can not conduct themselves in professional settings.  

Wow. So is this why Miss blonde hair/ blue eyes will get the job? Get promoted before us? I was recently looking on the internet and somehow came across this information. I was immediately disgusted. For black women to just be called out about our behavior/personalities when there are plenty of other races out there with worse behavior is sickening. It’s the same things and has been for a long time. It was also stated that 93% of caucasian men and most other american/asian, italian etc,  will not date black women. Most have not ever had the experience of being around black women but because it’s put out there so often by others, they believe what they hear. But that’s fine, I think I would prefer a Russian or Arabic billionaire to a white male anyway but thats just me I guess. To each it’s own, yes, but we also have our own black men that will put us down as a WHOLE before any other race. And theres a lot of them who myself or many other black women will not miss so if anything we thank you “Miss” for taking them. These are the same black men who will judge you in your neighborhood when you are seen with someone of another race/culture...really? Double standard.

I love my race because if I don’t, I’m one of the many who look down on us like the “scum of the earth”or something. I love our versatility, our variations of skin tones, our full lips, how we speak our minds, how loving and caring we are, how we hold a household down as a married woman or a single mother, our curves, our hips, our faith, strong beliefs, motherly nature, strong willed, and we are hard working and get an education just like everyone else all at the same time. I feel we are often overlooked in some way. As if people don’t see these things or care to see them and the thing that kills me the most is being judged as a whole. That’s like me going on social media and making rude comments everyday about a certain race and putting everyone of that race in the same basket. Not cool and disrespectful. Just from work alone, yes I’m going there, there were a couple of different people who made comments about black women. Saying we speak “hoodrat” and that we don’t know how to thoroughly cleanse ourselves “down there”....let that marinate for a second. Instead of saying the people they have ran into or just not saying it at all, they put them as a whole. Even if I go back and forth and say “well thats not me”, it’s still ignorance at it’s finest and didn’t even give the time of day to comment. Sounds like internal, deep rooted issues if you ask me. Moving on, I was told if you don’t have anything nice to say, keep quiet. Anyway, my dream location for me to live and raise a family would be in the suburbs somewhere, not necessarily Pa but you get the idea. I’m afraid that I may run into these issues with my own children while their growing up. The majority of people that live in the suburbs are caucasian. Being at friends homes in high school that lived in the suburbs or visiting family, there were the side eyes like we weren’t wanted. I may not look like a nice person but I will smile and speak and found the blacks to be friendlier. Call it what you want but to a certain extent, racism does still exist. I wouldn’t want my daughter to have to deal with the comments listed above or looked at as those comments listed above. Hopefully people learn to open their minds and stop being ignorant to the fact that we are all not alike and instead look at the person on the inside as an individual. Prayfully it gets better.

Just a thought

Why don’t men and women try to be careful about the people they date and bring around their children? Anything that goes on in your relationship whether its verbal abuse, physical abuse, or drug use, they mock this kind of behavior in the long run with their own relationships. Many feel its okay or consistently blame their parents for their behaviors. Which is true but EVERYONE knows right from wrong especially when children are involved. The one thing I can’t understand for the life of me is women leaving their young children, especially their daughters, around men that are not the fathers, have known for 5 minutes and already in their homes all the time like they pay bills or something. I’ve been there dealing with someone that brought nothing to the table and I was gone once we had the first convo about life and goals. I think men & women give the wrong people the benefit of doubt and see they have potential for better in life. Sometimes it takes 5 minutes or sometimes 5 years. Whatever you have the patience for I guess. The generations under me have it bad and they just don’t know it. The parenting is out of control, the parents get younger and younger and don’t know the first thing about caring for self let alone a baby. At least the majority of the people my age, I personally know, that have children put them first and work 2-3 jobs if they have to, making ends meet. Maybe it was the way we grew up I guess. I feel some women are so desperate for a man that they are willing to put what they really want or need to the side to deal with something that’s way below their standards. When I say “something” I mean drama among family, with other women and disrespect. Then get angry, hurt and upset when things don’t work out and/or he’s having relations with another woman that lives 2 blocks from your home. It’s pointless if your not happy. Men and women need to learn what they deserve as a Man/Woman above all. These women get pregnant by men who want nothing else from them but sexual relations and give him somewhere to lay his head when other options fail. Having a baby will NOT make him stay and build anything with you, not even mature conversation. I feel most women are too intelligent to deal with this behavior but for some reason never think they deserve better. Most of the time it’s a cycle of dealing with the same kind of man/woman. This is when you look within to figure out what’s going on before moving on. Pray, take time to self, reflect on where you went wrong, take more time and start over.

Music and my daily dosage..

Music is life. I hear music first thing in the morning, when I’m having a bad day to lighten my mood and when working with that one co-worker that I would snatch by the neck (lol jk). It allows you to express how you feel at that moment and the greatest invention were headphones so no one knows how you feel. If only they knew. Music makes you move even if you can’t dance (babe) and makes you blurt out in song when you can’t sing (myself). It’s your theme music and everyone knows what I mean when I say this. You get dressed up, throw on some heels, your new KD’s, loafer or Jordan’s, new jewelry, new fragrance, new hair, new cut, or those new clothes you purchased earlier in the week for a party. Men may hear Show Out by Juicy J, Jeezy & Big Sean or women may hear something from the infamous Beyonce such as Diva or Freakum Dress, if you're a Beyonce fan that is. New hip hop and R&B is cool but oldies are goodies to me. Michael Jackson (Lady in my life), Isley Brothers (Atlantis), Anita Baker (Sweet Love), Luther Vandross (Make me a believer), Sade (Kiss of Life & Cherish the Day), The Whispers (Just gets better with time), Teena Marie (Portuguese Love), Stevie Wonder (As), Prince (I would die for you), and Atlantic Starr (Send for me). Love songs, yes, but this is when love was actually sung and meant. Not the typical songs about sex that these teenagers and young adults fall all out for. Don’t get me wrong, the sex songs are heard as well. Trey Songz (Scratchin me up), Amerie (Red eye), Infamous R.Kelly (strip for you, Legs shakin’, and Like a real freak), 112 (Now that we’re done), Tamar Braxton (Sound of Love), Robin Thicke (Sex Therapy), and Sisqo, yes I said Sisqo (So sexual and How can I love you tonight). Theres also the music that people who catch public transportation hear. You know the angry music that makes you wish you had a car at that exact moment a baby starts screaming but in due time….Kelis (I hate you so much right now), the song I hear when this baby starts crying and I see a nice car go by is Raheem DeVaughn (Desire), and when these kids are coming from school in the fall is Nirvana (Smells like teen Spirit) and M.I.A (Paper planes)...hence the gunshots in the background, that’s what I feel like doing is shooting somebody. Whew! On a calmer note, date night with the boo. Either yall are getting dressed to go out or cooking and staying in. We love listening to Oldies and Jazz while we cook by the way. I hear Jaheim (Anything), Method Man feat. Mary J. Blige (I’ll be there for you), India Arie (This love), Ne-yo (Genuine Only), The Foreign Exchange (On a day like today), thanks to my cousin Julie for this artist, Lana del Rey (Blue Jeans) and Musiq (Special). Knowing me and being a typical Pisces, I have an ear for music and have “my own” music I listen to. N.E.R.D (Love Bomb and Laugh about it), Duke Ellington & John Coltrane (In a sentimental mood), Daley (Time Travel and Be), Naughty Boy feat Emeli Sande’ (Lifted), Imagine Dragons (Radioactive)-from 2k, Gorillaz (Doncamatic, Dare and Amarillo), Daniel Merriweather (Chainsaw) and thanks to Chelsey M.I.A (Boyz) from our A.I days.. Not saying no one listens to theses artists but I love them and their music. Last but not least Rap or Hip Hop, whichever you prefer. Mobb Deep (Shook ones), DMX (No love for Me), Jay Z (Dead Presidents II), Kendrick Lamar (The Recipe), Blackalicious (Make you feel that way), A Tribe called Quest (Award Tour & Electric Relaxation), Wale feat Ne-yo and Rick Ross (Tired of Dreaming), and 2Pac (Ambitionz Az a Ridah). Not saying you have to agree or even like the music I listen to but it’s me. What’s your daily “theme” music?

Facing Reality...

It’s kind of depressing but I know I’m not the only person in a relationship that has had this thought. What would happen if you lost this person? Besides thinking about money, having to move, and keeping his/her things that you want to keep...what about the emotional pain, loneliness, emptiness, and knowing you can’t ever see this person or speak to this person again feeling. I know a lot of people would say that losing a relative is the “same thing” and you get the “same feeling” but in actuality, it’s not. This is the person you spend your most intimate moments with. Kissing, cuddling, sharing secrets and things you have never told anyone else, laying down at night and waking up to this person every morning. It’s the little things you cherish and will miss more than losing a relative. You may speak to a relative a couple of times out of the week and depending on how close you guys are will mainly meet for the holidays and birthdays. Your companion, partner, significant other, lover, Mr. or Miss is the person you call with good news, bad news, when you’re frustrated, happy, trying to figure out dinner or the next vaca before anyone else. It will definitely be hard. I now see how these women feel when losing a mate. Of course when your going through a point in life, when you are young, free spirited, not taking men or women seriously, you tend to not care about losing a mate and the love of your life. So when you hear about it, it rolls off of your back like water on a turtle shell….just doesn’t sink in that one day that hurt man or woman, could be you. In my mind, I see me being an old woman, kids are grown, maybe some grandchildren, cashed in my 401k years before and me and my old husband are chilling and enjoying life. That would be the life. I guess that’s why i’m writing this because I know there is a possibility that it won’t happen that way. From here on out, I can just be positive, have an open mind, kiss more, hug more, love harder and just pray things work in mine and my partners favor.

Dannie Jordan.

Eye opener

Now Im quite sure every female has had that friend or has that friend that is in her twenties or thirties and is always stuck on a guy. She explains how he is handsome, maybe he drives, maybe has his own place, they can talk about everything, and has had sex a few times and you still can’t see what the big deal is. She is then hurt or bothered by him not wanting anymore to do with her and says she’s hurt behind it. Trust I have played this role as well, when I was younger, where the dude brought nothing to the table but all or one of the above. Anyway I guess what I’m getting to is what makes us women just focus on liking someone and nothing else? Then get upset when he messes things up or no longer interested. I have heard this way too often from colleagues or from friends. I think when we are young and what old people call “dumb”, we don’t care about the things that are important. We just remember and think about short term things. While dating someone older a few years ago, he asked if I have ever been in love...simple question right? Wrong, turned into a 2 hour conversation. After saying “I believe so”, he asked why and how did you know? I could not answer this question without saying the basic “he was working, had his own, and that we could talk about everything”. He laughed at my answer and I was confused. Mind you he was about 31-32 years of age, very mature for age and I was about 22-23 with still some things to learn, clearly. He then asked if he made me feel secure (emotionally, financially), had goals (short and long term), did he rub me down when my body was sore, a shoulder to lean on when I was down or bothered by something, made sure I got to and from work okay at the beginning and end of the day, made sure I was fed, helped with my bills if I needed and were up to date, made me fall in love with his mind, cook for you or with you, always made time for you, and took me out to places of my choice to discover new and different foods and atmospheres? Damn, I guess at that time he made me realize that I have never been in love, but LUST. Those were things I wanted but could never get because of who I was attracted to at that time. No it's not many years ago but it does not take a smart person to “upgrade” themselves and their taste in the opposite sex. From then on, I knew what I wanted and how I deserved to be treated and when friends or whoever came to me about relationship issues, if it’s not anything serious, it went through one ear and out the other lol. Mean, in a way but I just feel she may be lowering her standards for someone that doesn’t want what she wants or just don’t want her. Don’t waste your time and keep it moving.