Sunday, August 10, 2014

Father's day

This day comes and goes by every year. I rarely feel any kind of way about it either. I’ve never met him and wish things were different with this situation but what can you do. Life goes on right. I wanted to find him and ask a lot of unanswered questions from the past 27 years. Like why weren’t you there, did I at some point matter to you at all, and what have you been up to all this time. But instead, I kept quiet and only went on google once typing in the name to see how many people popped up. Of course it was way too many and I’ve gotten discouraged afterwards. What was the point? Yes every little girl wants a relationship with their father but why should I be the one that has to take initiative? Why should I take time out of my day or life for that matter and look for you? Was I not worth it? Am I still not worth it? I didn’t ask to be here but now that I Am, it was your responsibility to man up and do what you had to for me.
It’s sad just having to rely on our mothers, grandmothers, aunts and uncles and 9 times out of 10, there are many I encounter that do not and have not ever had a relationship with their father. I guess you can say these are the real father figures. Whats crazy is they live in the same city and could see you waiting for a train or getting in your car and won’t beep, wave, or even acknowledge you. They may not even recognize you. I began to think a little deeper and compare to what goes on now with these girls/women having these babies by these nobodys. Then realized, what’s the point? Nothing has changed. Maybe he wasn’t a dead beat when you met him and promised to be there, maybe another woman was the cause of the rift between him and your mother, or maybe it was your mothers decision to keep you and he wasn’t ready for a child. No matter what it was, I wish these men would realize you have to be there. Once a woman is pregnant, it is solely her decision to keep the child but too often she wands up raising the child on her own. The “father figures” are always absent in life or just yours but will be with another woman and help her raise her children. They don’t even have to be married. I guess they are just shacking up or could be he needs a place to lay his head. Who knows.
Seems the only time they are present and want to be there is if you have children of your own some day. Like they just pop out of nowhere and want to be the perfect grand father or something. I don’t know if they are trying to make up for them not being there for you or just all of a sudden want to be present after you’ve grown into adulthood on your own knowing they are not obligated to do anything for you. Sometimes with certain situations they know they have to build a relationship with you to get closer to their grandchild. Using you in a sense but not actually wanting a relationship with you, their child.
Did I ever feel lost or still do, sometimes. Did I ever wish I could meet his side of the family to see where part of me came from, of course. These are thoughts I still have and wish things were different. Not many get to live and grow up in a 2 parent household and I definitely pray it works out for me to have this for my children.

I definitely salute the men who are there for their children and have been the entire time.