So you have moved on. There were angry words exchanged before you guys parted ways. Things between the two of you have not been good for awhile and you knew at some point this was going to happen. Of course it was the “typical guy” syndrome is what I call it. Disrespect, other woman/women, spending no time, feeling as if you are third or fourth to any and everything else in his life...you know the usual behavior a woman gets fed up over. You got it all off your chest whether it was disrespectful, mean, nasty, and veins popping out your neck, you were officially done. You find yourself thinking back to the past when things were good and you felt secure in the relationship, happy, and this was the only person you thought about throughout the day. He clearly felt the same way. So what along the lines changed that? Was it your attitude, your cooking, weight gain, communication was lost, single friends in his ear...what? You can't help but think what you could have done differently or if you will ever resolve and get back to when things were good. Women who care become very nostalgic right afterwards and dwell on the past to try and figure out where things went wrong. You began a long time ago to see his lost interest and unhappiness when around you. It hurted. He called less and less during the day and week while at work. You wondered. He became distant with feelings and things going on in his life outside of you. It became clear. Time goes on and months go by and you see this person again, in person. You act as if you don't see him because hes with his friends or family and become crushed when you see hes happy. He has that old smile back, laughing, joking and acting as if he doesn't see or care that you're there. Not that he's supposed to but he was the one who messed up so at least he can speak right? You find out from a friend or social media that he has someone new. Pictures all over his page, vacas they have taken, shes in with the fam and his close friends, they share a place and it seems he's at home more than ever. It was never like that between the two of you. So you began to think one of two things: that this is just the beginning phase of him because the two of you had all of the above or he really moved on and just happier than he was while with you. A hard pill to swallow because you felt you gave your best and he still hurt you but the new chick is all smiles from the first pic to the last. Maybe you two were not compatible, maybe he seen he wanted out but didn't say anything and just strung you along, maybe he didn't like you or maybe she was there all along.It may not happen exactly like this but you get the idea.
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Judged often. They see our stern faces, our attitudes, no nonsense, how outspoken we are, sexual being lacking intelligence, lacking education, loud, and can not conduct themselves in professional settings.
Wow. So is this why Miss blonde hair/ blue eyes will get the job? Get promoted before us? I was recently looking on the internet and somehow came across this information. I was immediately disgusted. For black women to just be called out about our behavior/personalities when there are plenty of other races out there with worse behavior is sickening. It’s the same things and has been for a long time. It was also stated that 93% of caucasian men and most other american/asian, italian etc, will not date black women. Most have not ever had the experience of being around black women but because it’s put out there so often by others, they believe what they hear. But that’s fine, I think I would prefer a Russian or Arabic billionaire to a white male anyway but thats just me I guess. To each it’s own, yes, but we also have our own black men that will put us down as a WHOLE before any other race. And theres a lot of them who myself or many other black women will not miss so if anything we thank you “Miss” for taking them. These are the same black men who will judge you in your neighborhood when you are seen with someone of another race/culture...really? Double standard.
I love my race because if I don’t, I’m one of the many who look down on us like the “scum of the earth”or something. I love our versatility, our variations of skin tones, our full lips, how we speak our minds, how loving and caring we are, how we hold a household down as a married woman or a single mother, our curves, our hips, our faith, strong beliefs, motherly nature, strong willed, and we are hard working and get an education just like everyone else all at the same time. I feel we are often overlooked in some way. As if people don’t see these things or care to see them and the thing that kills me the most is being judged as a whole. That’s like me going on social media and making rude comments everyday about a certain race and putting everyone of that race in the same basket. Not cool and disrespectful. Just from work alone, yes I’m going there, there were a couple of different people who made comments about black women. Saying we speak “hoodrat” and that we don’t know how to thoroughly cleanse ourselves “down there”....let that marinate for a second. Instead of saying the people they have ran into or just not saying it at all, they put them as a whole. Even if I go back and forth and say “well thats not me”, it’s still ignorance at it’s finest and didn’t even give the time of day to comment. Sounds like internal, deep rooted issues if you ask me. Moving on, I was told if you don’t have anything nice to say, keep quiet. Anyway, my dream location for me to live and raise a family would be in the suburbs somewhere, not necessarily Pa but you get the idea. I’m afraid that I may run into these issues with my own children while their growing up. The majority of people that live in the suburbs are caucasian. Being at friends homes in high school that lived in the suburbs or visiting family, there were the side eyes like we weren’t wanted. I may not look like a nice person but I will smile and speak and found the blacks to be friendlier. Call it what you want but to a certain extent, racism does still exist. I wouldn’t want my daughter to have to deal with the comments listed above or looked at as those comments listed above. Hopefully people learn to open their minds and stop being ignorant to the fact that we are all not alike and instead look at the person on the inside as an individual. Prayfully it gets better.
Monday, July 28, 2014
Why don’t men and women try to be careful about the people they date and bring around their children? Anything that goes on in your relationship whether its verbal abuse, physical abuse, or drug use, they mock this kind of behavior in the long run with their own relationships. Many feel its okay or consistently blame their parents for their behaviors. Which is true but EVERYONE knows right from wrong especially when children are involved. The one thing I can’t understand for the life of me is women leaving their young children, especially their daughters, around men that are not the fathers, have known for 5 minutes and already in their homes all the time like they pay bills or something. I’ve been there dealing with someone that brought nothing to the table and I was gone once we had the first convo about life and goals. I think men & women give the wrong people the benefit of doubt and see they have potential for better in life. Sometimes it takes 5 minutes or sometimes 5 years. Whatever you have the patience for I guess. The generations under me have it bad and they just don’t know it. The parenting is out of control, the parents get younger and younger and don’t know the first thing about caring for self let alone a baby. At least the majority of the people my age, I personally know, that have children put them first and work 2-3 jobs if they have to, making ends meet. Maybe it was the way we grew up I guess. I feel some women are so desperate for a man that they are willing to put what they really want or need to the side to deal with something that’s way below their standards. When I say “something” I mean drama among family, with other women and disrespect. Then get angry, hurt and upset when things don’t work out and/or he’s having relations with another woman that lives 2 blocks from your home. It’s pointless if your not happy. Men and women need to learn what they deserve as a Man/Woman above all. These women get pregnant by men who want nothing else from them but sexual relations and give him somewhere to lay his head when other options fail. Having a baby will NOT make him stay and build anything with you, not even mature conversation. I feel most women are too intelligent to deal with this behavior but for some reason never think they deserve better. Most of the time it’s a cycle of dealing with the same kind of man/woman. This is when you look within to figure out what’s going on before moving on. Pray, take time to self, reflect on where you went wrong, take more time and start over.
Saturday, July 26, 2014
Music is life. I hear music first thing in the morning, when I’m having a bad day to lighten my mood and when working with that one co-worker that I would snatch by the neck (lol jk). It allows you to express how you feel at that moment and the greatest invention were headphones so no one knows how you feel. If only they knew. Music makes you move even if you can’t dance (babe) and makes you blurt out in song when you can’t sing (myself). It’s your theme music and everyone knows what I mean when I say this. You get dressed up, throw on some heels, your new KD’s, loafer or Jordan’s, new jewelry, new fragrance, new hair, new cut, or those new clothes you purchased earlier in the week for a party. Men may hear Show Out by Juicy J, Jeezy & Big Sean or women may hear something from the infamous Beyonce such as Diva or Freakum Dress, if you're a Beyonce fan that is. New hip hop and R&B is cool but oldies are goodies to me. Michael Jackson (Lady in my life), Isley Brothers (Atlantis), Anita Baker (Sweet Love), Luther Vandross (Make me a believer), Sade (Kiss of Life & Cherish the Day), The Whispers (Just gets better with time), Teena Marie (Portuguese Love), Stevie Wonder (As), Prince (I would die for you), and Atlantic Starr (Send for me). Love songs, yes, but this is when love was actually sung and meant. Not the typical songs about sex that these teenagers and young adults fall all out for. Don’t get me wrong, the sex songs are heard as well. Trey Songz (Scratchin me up), Amerie (Red eye), Infamous R.Kelly (strip for you, Legs shakin’, and Like a real freak), 112 (Now that we’re done), Tamar Braxton (Sound of Love), Robin Thicke (Sex Therapy), and Sisqo, yes I said Sisqo (So sexual and How can I love you tonight). Theres also the music that people who catch public transportation hear. You know the angry music that makes you wish you had a car at that exact moment a baby starts screaming but in due time….Kelis (I hate you so much right now), the song I hear when this baby starts crying and I see a nice car go by is Raheem DeVaughn (Desire), and when these kids are coming from school in the fall is Nirvana (Smells like teen Spirit) and M.I.A (Paper planes)...hence the gunshots in the background, that’s what I feel like doing is shooting somebody. Whew! On a calmer note, date night with the boo. Either yall are getting dressed to go out or cooking and staying in. We love listening to Oldies and Jazz while we cook by the way. I hear Jaheim (Anything), Method Man feat. Mary J. Blige (I’ll be there for you), India Arie (This love), Ne-yo (Genuine Only), The Foreign Exchange (On a day like today), thanks to my cousin Julie for this artist, Lana del Rey (Blue Jeans) and Musiq (Special). Knowing me and being a typical Pisces, I have an ear for music and have “my own” music I listen to. N.E.R.D (Love Bomb and Laugh about it), Duke Ellington & John Coltrane (In a sentimental mood), Daley (Time Travel and Be), Naughty Boy feat Emeli Sande’ (Lifted), Imagine Dragons (Radioactive)-from 2k, Gorillaz (Doncamatic, Dare and Amarillo), Daniel Merriweather (Chainsaw) and thanks to Chelsey M.I.A (Boyz) from our A.I days.. Not saying no one listens to theses artists but I love them and their music. Last but not least Rap or Hip Hop, whichever you prefer. Mobb Deep (Shook ones), DMX (No love for Me), Jay Z (Dead Presidents II), Kendrick Lamar (The Recipe), Blackalicious (Make you feel that way), A Tribe called Quest (Award Tour & Electric Relaxation), Wale feat Ne-yo and Rick Ross (Tired of Dreaming), and 2Pac (Ambitionz Az a Ridah). Not saying you have to agree or even like the music I listen to but it’s me. What’s your daily “theme” music?
It’s kind of depressing but I know I’m not the only person in a relationship that has had this thought. What would happen if you lost this person? Besides thinking about money, having to move, and keeping his/her things that you want to keep...what about the emotional pain, loneliness, emptiness, and knowing you can’t ever see this person or speak to this person again feeling. I know a lot of people would say that losing a relative is the “same thing” and you get the “same feeling” but in actuality, it’s not. This is the person you spend your most intimate moments with. Kissing, cuddling, sharing secrets and things you have never told anyone else, laying down at night and waking up to this person every morning. It’s the little things you cherish and will miss more than losing a relative. You may speak to a relative a couple of times out of the week and depending on how close you guys are will mainly meet for the holidays and birthdays. Your companion, partner, significant other, lover, Mr. or Miss is the person you call with good news, bad news, when you’re frustrated, happy, trying to figure out dinner or the next vaca before anyone else. It will definitely be hard. I now see how these women feel when losing a mate. Of course when your going through a point in life, when you are young, free spirited, not taking men or women seriously, you tend to not care about losing a mate and the love of your life. So when you hear about it, it rolls off of your back like water on a turtle shell….just doesn’t sink in that one day that hurt man or woman, could be you. In my mind, I see me being an old woman, kids are grown, maybe some grandchildren, cashed in my 401k years before and me and my old husband are chilling and enjoying life. That would be the life. I guess that’s why i’m writing this because I know there is a possibility that it won’t happen that way. From here on out, I can just be positive, have an open mind, kiss more, hug more, love harder and just pray things work in mine and my partners favor.
Now Im quite sure every female has had that friend or has that friend that is in her twenties or thirties and is always stuck on a guy. She explains how he is handsome, maybe he drives, maybe has his own place, they can talk about everything, and has had sex a few times and you still can’t see what the big deal is. She is then hurt or bothered by him not wanting anymore to do with her and says she’s hurt behind it. Trust I have played this role as well, when I was younger, where the dude brought nothing to the table but all or one of the above. Anyway I guess what I’m getting to is what makes us women just focus on liking someone and nothing else? Then get upset when he messes things up or no longer interested. I have heard this way too often from colleagues or from friends. I think when we are young and what old people call “dumb”, we don’t care about the things that are important. We just remember and think about short term things. While dating someone older a few years ago, he asked if I have ever been in love...simple question right? Wrong, turned into a 2 hour conversation. After saying “I believe so”, he asked why and how did you know? I could not answer this question without saying the basic “he was working, had his own, and that we could talk about everything”. He laughed at my answer and I was confused. Mind you he was about 31-32 years of age, very mature for age and I was about 22-23 with still some things to learn, clearly. He then asked if he made me feel secure (emotionally, financially), had goals (short and long term), did he rub me down when my body was sore, a shoulder to lean on when I was down or bothered by something, made sure I got to and from work okay at the beginning and end of the day, made sure I was fed, helped with my bills if I needed and were up to date, made me fall in love with his mind, cook for you or with you, always made time for you, and took me out to places of my choice to discover new and different foods and atmospheres? Damn, I guess at that time he made me realize that I have never been in love, but LUST. Those were things I wanted but could never get because of who I was attracted to at that time. No it's not many years ago but it does not take a smart person to “upgrade” themselves and their taste in the opposite sex. From then on, I knew what I wanted and how I deserved to be treated and when friends or whoever came to me about relationship issues, if it’s not anything serious, it went through one ear and out the other lol. Mean, in a way but I just feel she may be lowering her standards for someone that doesn’t want what she wants or just don’t want her. Don’t waste your time and keep it moving.
There is much "competition" among my peers and for no reason. It starts at wanting to be successful in life, landing that big/dream job (that many are still looking for), then comes the house, the car, and wanting the raise that shows your good at what you do. That's perfectly fine but not "everyone" in this world will ever achieve that realistically or in that order. Especially not with the job market. It may take some longer than others to land that job or even to finish school. I felt bad at some point and to a certain extent still do that I did not finish school when I was "supposed" to, you know the 4 year plan. When I left school the first and second time for financial reasons, I was not getting the help I needed. So, you do what you have to do, work and save until further notice. Anyway, I look at a lot of people that I was going to graduate with and they are doing good and that's great! I never hate on that and applaud people who go where they want to in life because life is hard. Just seems sometimes either people have it easier or they go about things smarter than you have. Either way comparing myself to these people will only cause set back from me getting what I want out of life, success. I was envious in college and after because their parents/guardian helped any way they could. They often brought them food for the dorm, transferred money for textbooks and miscellaneous things needed and even called to make sure they were okay. I've gotten help with food but anything else was like pulling a limb so I worked. And it seems like I've been just "working" ever since then and worked hard to keep my own places outside of dorm living and food on my table. I don't want to use excuses for anything, at all, I guess I just lost motivation at some point and figured it will be if meant for me. I now look at my peers as motivation to do better and hunger for more. Not getting what I needed while in school whether emotional and physical made me NEVER look at anyone and worry about what they are doing with their life. Everyone has their own story and I have my own life I have to live and only I can make it better or even great for that matter. So I said all of this to say I feel I have no competition... because only I can deal with what I've dealt with and still have a good head on my shoulders and always will be a stronger woman for it.
Friday, July 25, 2014
You wake up bright and early in the morning. And you may not be a morning person, especially since you have only gotten about 4 hours of sleep but you have to get ready for hair, mani, pedi, and make-up.The sun is shining, the temperature for the day will only reach 78 degrees and no rain is in sight. The events from last night with your closest friends and fam immediately put a smile on your face! They are crazy and made the evening even more beautiful than you expected. Of course when you add in alcohol and maybe a few naked men floating around, it made it a lot better. You check the time on your phone which reads 7:30am to find a waiting text. It reads “this will be the last day we are “single” and the beginning of the rest of our lives as Mr. and Mrs. I can not wait to see you walk down the aisle in your gown as beautiful as you always are and place this ring on your finger. I love you forever and always, see you later on”. You smile and your heart beat begins to speed up as it hits you that you will finally marry the love of your life not too long from that moment. It’s a good feeling. You immediately go to the closet to look at your gown once more before showering and heading out the door to start this wonderful day.
It’s a dream come true for a woman to marry the love of her life. Everything from picking the dress, shoes, bridesmaid dresses, food, cake, invites, and photographer is exciting even though it can be stressful. You think of walking down the aisle and seeing your mate staring at you with love in their eyes. Buying a new home for you both to live, 2 car garages, maybe a dog, children eventually, inviting friends and family over for barbecues when settled in. Just enjoying life and knowing your spouse is there with you every step of the way.
To your new journey!