Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Scared of Marriage

Me: Failure. Communication. Loss of interest. Compromise. There’s an ending (like a job). Consistency. Bored. Growing apart. Financial. Literal distance. Emotional distance. Time. Power struggles.

The way marriage was in the 60’s was beautiful. Not necessarily the roles they played (stay at home wife and working husband) but how love was sometimes all they had and they made it work. Divorce was not an option. You see and hear now how our aunts, uncles, grand-parents or parents have been married for years upon years and stuck it out through everything. She didn’t have to be barbie and dress a certain way to get and keep his attention and weddings were simple.


“I knew he was cheating, just didn’t know with who. His schedule became unexpected and he stayed out longer than usual after a while. With years behind us already in marriage, It was hard facing the truth. We were experiencing a rough time but felt talking, therapy, spending more time or remembering why we got married in the first place would help. I cared at first asking myself a million questions with the first being why? I got over it though. I then began to have my own affair. I would go to work, go to “his” home, wash and go home, sometimes beating your uncle there, to cook and help the kids with homework. Like nothing happened, just how he was able too. It became the normal daily thing to do. As long as home was taken care of on his part, I didn’t care what he did. I wasn’t going to stress over a man, husband and all.” - Auntie (this is not them in the pic, just an example)

As time goes on and I’m getting up there in age, I realized I’m probably the only woman scared of marriage! I would embrace it and not think about the negative but sometimes I feel like most men and how they feel! Of course you’re thinking if everything is good beforehand and there’s an understanding of what you both want/need, there shouldn’t be an issue right? This is true but that’s not always the case and I think I’m scared of things going wrong. Do I walk around like this...no but I’m a logical person and if nobody else can be real with me, I know I can. So I don’t sell myself the dream of marriage, I sell myself on the reality of marriage. They say it’s better to love than to not have loved at all...but that does not always mean you’re meant to marry that person... There will be arguments, disagreements, petty moments, and a dislike of something from the other at some point...but that’s a relationship. I’m more so concerned about the things that happen outside of those small things like losing trust, disrespect, money issues, or no longer keeping your partner on their toes...you know keeping things “new” and consistently being able to keep them happy….for the rest of your life. You would think people would have this down pact in the relationship but seems it gets harder with some. To keep interest for the rest of both persons lives, through sickness and health and until death do you part. That’s a lot of pressure!


I honestly feel that it’s like having a full time job because it takes WORK...outside of your full-time job, having a social life outside of them, making time for friends, family, then your own interests above all while trying not to be selfish. Somebody or something is going to come up short and depending on who you married, it may be you. People don’t treat it as such and afraid he may treat it as a part-time position. People view it as: I love this person, I see my life with this person and that’s it. Yes, as human beings, we make life more difficult than it really has to be but people are like onions and have many layers that you may not have seen. They don’t think about this person at their worst and really SEE if it’s worth it in the long run. I’m scared of not fully being accepted and this person just settling because of time. I’m scared of time spent being a distant memory, not being put first as his wife, work being more important than actually LIVING and having the guy who puts our relationship second or last to family or friends. You could worry about this before marriage but marriage is important and want my partner to know this as well. Not just to marry because it’s the “next step” or it’s been long enough so why not.  I also feel many women carry resentment into their marriage. Their partners took their time asking for this commitment from her and she felt it could have been sooner. Over-time people can change like the weather and it affects you as well if your with this person. There could be a job offer that’s great for him but you're not willing to leave your job, family, money and stability for HIS career. You both agreed 100% before marriage on everything listed above and that you want kids but you're willing to wait a few years after marriage and traveling a bit while he wants a child six months to a year afterwards. Things and people change!

You have many men after a while or before even asking that feel they would be missing something or freedom is “gone” for some reason…what? Smh. Your married, not going to prison lol. You’re spending the rest of your life with someone you love and care about, not going into an arranged marriage. Lastly, if that’s how you feel, just don’t ask her or anybody to marry you then… duh! As stated, just goes to show people make things more difficult than they really have to be. If your partner is going in with that attitude, you will go into the next situation with your guard up. No one wants to be that person. Love is supposed to make you open to new things, it’s supposed to feel good when new and even after. Not to be the person who’s closed off and guarded because of being that open in the past and failing. Many men have this thing where they feel this way (listed above) and will wait 7 plus years to ask/make that commitment. It’s like they’re bracing themselves for marriage with this person knowing they don’t want to lose them but not fully ready for the REST of their lives to deal with this person’s flaws. Women are more open to it. A glass of wine/mojito and girl talk cures everything sometimes lol. Just go in light hearted and happy!


All of those things and more could put a strain on the marriage and fill either you or your partner with regret, resentment, anger (angry black woman lol), sadness, confusion and feeling hopeless. Thus looking forward to moving on and living without them eventually. I honestly don’t think that’s something I ever want to deal with. You can’t help the change in someone over-time. It’s life, it happens and you can’t help certain things that happen in life but I feel things can be prevented...by not getting married lol!

Happy union’s to all!!!